It’s been so long, I was on hiatus due to many things happened and I didn’t manage to get it down one by one. It’s just lucky for me or I should that I am blessed for having such beautiful people in my life. They have endlessly supported me in so many different ways possible, both physically and mentally which allow me to keep growing.
A brand new logo for The Hungry Kittens
I have decided create a new blog with some reasons behind it. First, I lost my access to my blog, at least from desktop access since I lost the number I used, make it impossible for me to receive the authentication code; second it’s about time to end that blog anyway as I want to have a fresh start like totally new, I know I need to build my audience again and start from 0 but I think (after so many thoughts) this is the right thing to do. I am not saying what happened in the past were totally bad, there were some part that I am still grateful for. Anyway, it is okay to start new. Third, I was thinking to take more time into practising my cooking skills, it would be good in many ways. I have been dreaming of being a good cook at least to my family; home cook almost everything just to ensure my family eat a good and healthy foods. The least I know what I put into my mouth. Hahaha… I am dead serious!
So, here I am announcing my new blog that I wholeheartedly dedicate it to my new start. A fresh start, a new beginning.
Oh, I recently quit my job in tourism organisation and I took a new challenges in wedding industry. Wish me luck, peeps!
Do follow my blog should you be interested to hear more from me.
For the past three weeks I had been working on back-to-back weddings. May to October had been the wedding seasons with June, August and October being the most popular wedding months in Bali. Of course, there were couples who chose to get married in other months, statistically we worked weddings the most in May to October. We often attended wedding exhibitions in February and November, while December and January, in our company, we chose to hibernate; we worked on slower phase, many of our team chose to take holiday or work from home too.
“So, you can’t help me this time?”
“Sorry… I really can’t. We have weddings coming up, your event is on the day we will have our final meeting with our clients. I feel much more at ease if I stay with my team.”
“No worries. By the way… did you receive my bouquet?”
“Bouquet?”
“Yeah, I asked a courier to send you bouquet yesterday. Wonder if you received it?”
“Aaahh… I wasn’t at the office yesterday. Let me check it?”
“Easy. It’s unimportant… Do you want to grab a cup of coffee?”
“Not today. I have to finalise the rundown and reconfirm everything with our vendors.”
“Okay… I’ll see you later?”
“Sure… bye!”
Andrew came to our office more frequently than before. It was nothing weird about it, our company had been using his manning for several events. Just, receiving chocolates and flowers were a bit too much. Well, I liked chocolates; I did not know what to do with flowers but to pay my respect at the temple. Probably, I was one of those weirdos.
I got back organizing my files. We had eight weddings in June this year; five weddings were from our division and the other three were from domestic division. Two out of the five weddings were huge deal for our company; meanwhile the other three were elopements. We would not need big team for elopements, so we were good to go.
“It seems you have a secret admirer Miss Willow…” Devan, our junior team came with a bouquet in his hands. We were waiting for a sample of hand bouquet for one of our brides. She wanted a small yet elegant hand bouquet for her elopement.
“Is that the sample for our bride’s? It can’t be!!”
“Of course not! It arrived yesterday, the courier said it’s for you.”
“For me? Who’s the sender?”
Devan shrugged. “There’s a card, you’d better check it.”
I took the flowers from Devan’s. I checked on the card…
Just wanted to pop in and wish you the best day ever!
AT
‘AT?? Andrew Tan? Well, he did ask if I received flowers.’
“Who’s that?”
“Someone I know.” Devan gave me a flower vase so I could keep the flower on my desk. I used to get some white flowers but it had been so long. Looking at those colourful flowers felt a bit weird. I never receive flowers before this.
“Whoever sent you flowers, he needs to learn that you love food more than flowers.”
“Hahaha… That’s right! We need food over flowers after all… Anyway, I still have to thank him.”
“Tell him, next time he’d better send some food.”
“I’ll remember that!”
I texted Andrew, telling him that I received the flower he sent. I could not tell how I felt; for once it felt different and weird.
It was something I never got used to; never from any of my previous relationships. Once I dated a guy when I was in my sophomore year at the university. I considered it as my first ‘real’ relationship as we shared more connection beyond friends’ circle but also with our family members. It was not last long though. I did not have any boyfriend until graduated and on my second year worked for an event company. It was not a pleasant memory, tangled in an abusive relationship for years; frightened to leave, too ashamed to seek for help as fast. I was grateful for the business trip turned a three months course which bridged my long-lost freedom. I did lose materialistic stuff that I had to leave behind but I regained my freedom and I got the help I actually needed when I was overseas.
Thanks to that experience, I became more cautious to start anew. It was not easy to break free and finally to admit my foolishness by seeking help. I found a great therapist who helped me to overcome my panic disorder and anxiety thinking that he might came anytime. I returned home after six months. I changed my number, got new email, relocated to a new office, a new place and cut all old contact that might led that abusive ex to find me. It had been some times.
“Miss Willow, we’ve received the guests list and sitting arrangement for W&T couple.”
“You serious?! Oh thank God!!! I was so anxious…”
“I feel you! I’ve been chasing them like an annoying bitch.”
“Good job! Let’s share it to Hello Guru, shall we?”
“Yep, on it.”
“So what do we have left for their wedding?”
“The rehearsal and the D-day.”
“Alright, we have less than 20 days to work on it… Anything that I can help you with?”
“Hmm… I’ve shared their chosen menu, chosen deco and layout… Ah! We still need to confirm if they bring their own bottles.”
“Ok, I can ask them. Let me know if you need anything?”
“Absolutely will!”
Days went by like a blink of an eye. Days became weeks then months. It had been a little bit over three months that we, I and Andrew, were together. I should say we were unofficially together since I, personally, did not know where it was actually started. We just got closer and eventually spent most of the days together. It was great, I felt like I was being treated like a special someone for the first time. I did not know I probably being too naïve? I was not supposed to question myself on this, but I always had this feeling that I was being too naïve to see the world; while the world was never meant to be seen as black and white only.
“So, you two are together?”
Grace who had been helping me stacking some leftovers wedding merchandise from two previous weddings caught me off guard.
“Hmm… You can say that. But I don’t put any tag on us, not now at least.”
“Is he being nice to you?”
“Yes, he is.”
“That’s good. What’s your plan?”
“No plan…”
“Kate…”
“Honestly, I am afraid. I don’t want to move too fast, but what he has been doing convinced me that I am ready. And… And that scares me.”
“Being scared is normal, nothing wrong about that. If he truly means it and you are ready, why not?”
“I don’t know Grace… I am happy but I still feel it’s going too fast. It feels like riding a motorbike in 110km per hour speed along Sunset Road on a busy morning.”
“Meaning?”
“It’s complicated? You’re on a high speed but there are traffics and you do whatever you can to keep your speed high in order to reach your destination faster.”
“Okay… That does sound complicated.” Grace and I laughed. I laughed because I was anxious and I believed Grace laughed because she could not catch up.
“Andrew’s sister will be coming back to Bali for Christmas.”
“And?”
“This weekend, his parents will arrive in Bali and they plan to stay until Chinese New Year.””
“And then?”
“They invited me to spend Christmas together, so…”
“So…?”
“So, I need you to come with me.”
“Oka… What?!”
“I said that I need you to come with me to spend Christmas with Andrew’s family.”
“No!”
“Please…!” I looked at Grace with my puppy eyes look.
“Aaah… Alright. I won’t be on my own so yeah, why not.”
“But what about your soon-to-be-fiancé? Will he be okay?”
“100%. He won’t be coming back to Bali at least until 5 January.”
“I hope his dad will fully recover before then.”
“I hope so. Last week when I was there, his father was much better. I talk daily to Henry or his mum on his dad’s.”
“If you think you need to be with him, just go. I believe he needs you more than I do.”
“I was planning to fly out again on 28 December, but I have my ticket on hold until tomorrow.”
“Okay…”
“Let’s go for ramen after work.” I gave Grace a thumb’s up for her ramen invitation. We had been locked at work without much social interaction that we normally avoid as much but still needed every once in a blue moon.
We finished our job earlier than expected, thanks to Devan and Indra – one of Grace team member. She had a bunch of muscles at her department, an opposite situation to mine. We decided to invite Devan and Indra to tag along for ramen, but they had plan with their girlfriend.
As it was a norm, Grace behind the wheel. We drove to Galeria – a popular mall about 15 minutes’ drive from our office. Once we arrived, we went straight to our favourite Japanese restaurant we were used to visit in past couple of years passing through the inside of a clothing brand. The sushi restaurant was also a step away from our favourite Udon restaurant. It was a typical mid-end traditional Japanese restaurant with wide selections of sushi, noodles, side dishes, desserts and of course beverages.
I went for somen set – somehow, I wanted cold noodles for the evening with tempura. Their sauce was amazing. Grace went for a set of shoyu ramen set; and we placed additional order of grilled skewer set, salmon seaweed salad and two scoops red bean ice cream for our dessert. We did not ordered more beverages as ours came with ocha.
“Tell me, what’s your plan? I learnt that you two will arrange a family meeting?” I listened to Grace while I was flipping pages to see if we wanted anything else.
“How did you know?”
“Andrew told me the other day.”
“Ooh… Do you think it is too fast?”
“Well, I personally don’t think it’s too fast as long as you two have talked about it. You see, there are couples who dated for as long but they ended up their relationship before they had a chance to take it to another step, but there are also couples who dated for a couple of months or even weeks but they got married instantly. Nothing is wrong about that.”
“I know…”
“How do you feel?”
“I don’t know… I am happy but at the same time I feel that I am on pins and needles. I don’t know why but the feeling is there.”
“Have you talked about it?”
“No, I haven’t. I don’t know where to start.”
“But you agreed on a family meeting?”
“Yea, after some thoughts. I am getting older too, I don’t want to be alone, you see. You’ll get married soon and when you are, I’ll be on my own.”
“That’s so lame!!!”
“Ha ha ha… Let’s see.”
Our orders were served, we ate it deliciously like it was the last food we would have. My head though keeps thinking on the issue I felt deep down my heart. I did not know where to start. I had something that I had been trying to sort out; however, I did not want to get anybody involve in this matter. Therefore, I never talked about it, or might be not yet.
We went to window-shopping after dinner. Andrew called when we were at a clothing shop, checking where I was and confirming if I went out with Grace. I enjoyed it at first of him checking on me but the more he did it, I found it troublesome. Ha! I still sent him a regular update of my day to day activities. Before we went back home, we stopped by the bakery shop to get some bread, a slice of cheesecake and black forest. I was never a dessert person, but who would refuse a good bite?!
Yellow peeps, how’s your week? Mine has been slow but kind of productive. I’ve seen new seeds are sprouting in my garden; I am happy to seeing those chilies, Chinese kale and tomatoes, especially tomatoes which I initially thought won’t grow. I am bit confused though with my chilies and tomatoes as I am not sure which tomato and chili variant are they (I forgot to put some labels, so yeah, I need to let them grow to see which one is which). All good, nothing to worry.
By the way, do you believe in reincarnation? Have you ever wondering about your past lives? I genuinely believe in reincarnation, my culture and tradition, too, make my belief stronger in this particular subject. For those who are unfamiliar with reincarnation may find it confusing or even hard to believe. Reincarnation, can be loosely translated as rebirth, is mainly taught in Hinduism, Buddhism, Jainism and Sikhism. In my way of understanding, this is how usually tell others if they happen to ask me about ‘reincarnation’, reincarnation is the process of our soul being reborn in a cycle – birth, death, rebirth – again and again in new physical forms that depends on our karma (karma, in our belief, means the fruit of our action). If you ask how can I believe it? Do I have proof? Well, it’s kind of hard to explain because it is related to our culture but… but if you ever heard medium and they say they speak to the dead, then it kind of work that way. We have our medium (usually selected priests) and we will invite one to a ritual of a newborn baby. This priest will act as a medium, telling us whose soul is reborn and reside in the newborn baby. It sounds impossible, however during this ritual often there are things that are said through medium and only be known by family members (usually the elders). In other words, I don’t have a concrete proofs to prove it scientifically but it’s mystical in a way. Oh, if you’re interested in reincarnation subject, the process of finding the next Dalai Lama could be one interesting topic. It’s similar in a sense, only for different purpose. I found a couple of article that I find interesting to begin with this ‘rebirth‘ process. One is from Sydney Morning Herald and another one from Biography.
Let’s go back to the above subject, Leap of Faith. I did it when I was 22, being a fresh graduate, officially working my first office job for a tourism association. A couple of weeks after my graduation ceremony and I officially accepted as one (I used to work part time for the association before I graduated), our office held an outing to a treetop adventure park that is located in Bali Botanical Garden. It was the first team outing I took part in and it was a whole new experience as I got to see other people from two different companies (can’t say it’s a sister company but one of their directors is our director; these two companies are private companies with different team and different focuses, let’s call them B Event and C Agency). So, because of our director we got to share this experience with other teams which I befriended (a couple of them) way before this outing, I was thrilled.
We left early morning from our office in Sanur as we wanted to avoid traffic jam near the Botanical Garden, taking two minibuses we arrived after two and half hours ride. We went straight to the adventure park which apparently was booked in advance for our group or 20 people. After basic safety instruction and we got out safety equipment set, we were ready to hit the ground. There were three different lines that led to three different levels; yellow – easy and the least challenging perfect for beginner, red – moderate and black – hard and extremely challenging especially for someone like me who has acrophobia. Guess which one I decided to conquer? BLACK!!! Call me mad, I won’t defend myself. But I have to explain why I decided to take on Black line. Initially, I wanted to take yellow which is the easiest line and if I find that I manage to finish it then I can take yellow and black in that order. That’s what I thought until one of the guys from B Event challenged me to take on the black line, I refused, however my friend from C Agency kept ticking me until I said, let’s do it!! Which I regretted immediately but there was no way back. Yellow and Red lines were full, I had to go with the Black line.
I never realised how competitive I can be and this competitiveness often got me accepting challenges just because I hate losing! Not that I want to prove it to anyone else, it’s more that I want to prove it to myself that I am not a coward and I have the ability and capability, especially when I set my mind into it. Then, the adventure began. We started from wall climbing (higher than other two walls, SHID!!!!), I managed it with extra effort, one passed next one was log steps??? (I don’t know what they call, sorry). Then flying fox was fun, I kind of got addicted to the flying fox only. I able to finish one by one but there’s one stop that got me frightened – Tarzan swing!! The Tarzan swing – if I remember correctly – is 20 metres above the ground. One of the park instructor guided me in a very accommodating manner. I refused his offer to get me back from that Tarzan stop, I took a deep breath and in count of three (from the park instructor) I swung down the tree to reach fish net and climbed it down. There, I finished it!!!
I was amazed, so did my friends. It was impressive I managed to clear it all despite having acrophobia. I thought it was too scary I didn’t want to try and not even think about conquering it. If I set my mind into it though, I can do anything I have to do. Is that what we call ‘able to work under pressure’??? After all the fun on top of trees, we had our lunch followed by team building games. It was fun, I had great experience being out and about after my graduation. It was scary when I thought of finishing school and finding job; I was fortunate that I didn’t need to experience how hard it felt finding a job as a fresh graduate since my job was kind of set way before I graduated. On another note, I had to thank my director and seniors for pushing me finishing my final report and took graduation exam or else I wouldn’t finish my degree.
After team building games, one of the instructor offered us trying on Leap of Faith from a 25 metres tree. I backed out because I did not want to climb that high, got myself anxious and all. However, my dear friend, he challenged me again. He said that a 25m tree meant nothing when we actually able to clear that black line. He kept bugging me until I said, “let’s go!”. Blimey Lord, what did I do to myself? From these 20 people, only 8 of us took the challenge. I went fourth – still looking for any valid reason to back out. Ah ah, no way to escape my dear!!! Oh, I should thank him again for pushing me through and he kept doing that all those years despite all tantrums I had thrown upon him. He left the world way too early, if only he’s still here…
I went all out climbing that 25 metres tree, got onto the platform to do my leap. Gosh!!!! I scared to death, what if I fell? What if I failed reaching on to the log? What if I passed out? The wind blew softly when I reached the top. I looked down and I felt dizzy. It looked like the ground moved up and down, zooming in and out. I was frightened, I did inner talk telling myself how stupid I was for accepting this challenge. Again, no where to go but jump! I jumped, reached the log and went down. As if I was in trance, my colleagues ran toward me telling me that I was doing great. Oh good Lord, I couldn’t believe that I actually did it!! I DID IT!!!
I no longer have souvenirs from the game I won nor have all images we took that time, my late friend held it but I don’t know why I didn’t ask any copy. There were photos uploaded on Facebook but I lost access to my account which made me lost all memorabilia.
I say that I have acrophobia and also a severe claustrophobia. However, in certain times my competitiveness gets the best of me. I didn’t realise it or perhaps I wasn’t willing to acknowledge that I am that competitive since I thought being competitive would give me as well as others a false or negative image about me. Yep, I was worried about how others perceive me. I was confused on what image I needed to build. I was one of those anxious young adult who needed validation and acceptance from others. I was exploring my place in this world in real time without any opportunities for remedial if I failed in one subject; it’s nothing like uni days.
As I get older, I am learning to look at the good side of every thing around. I am learning to find the beauty in agony. I allow myself grieving over whatever hell I am facing that absolutely triggers my depression and anxiety but I have to remember to pick myself off the ground and start marching forward. It’s never been easy. That leap of faith I did when I was young and confuse will always be a reminder for me. There’s nothing impossible as long as I try hard enough, set my mind into it, and keep going forward. I still remember vividly how anxious and scared I was before I took the black like and that leap of faith; as I let go and believed the universe would do its part, I made it. It wasn’t an easy deal, I needed to put efforts into it. Although I am feeling down now, I can’t stop moving, learning and trying. There’s always light at the end of the tunnel.
Yellow there… How have you been? I have been trying to finishing my current work which led me halting my writing progress. Hehe… Call me lazy! LOL!!! On another note, one of my uncles passed away a couple of weeks ago and we found out days later. The last time I talked to him was end of March after Balinese New Year; he found dead on 12 April after a forensic team from hospital called one of my sister in-laws. He was a doctor, we had a lot of disagreement but somehow we talked a lot despite our differences. I didn’t manage to say good bye; I sent my prayers though. May his soul rest in peace!! _/\_
Now, let’s talk about gender identity and trans ideology along with preferable pronouns that have been flying around. The first time I watched an interview on gender identity was about 3 or 4 years ago. I didn’t pay much attention back then as I simply thought there’s nothing to be concern about. However, the COVID-19 pandemic and its lockdown made it bigger than I initially thought. There are people who come up identifying themselves as non-binary or gender fluids group of people; then, there are people who choose to use plural pronouns they/them for a single person. Honestly, I still need time to wrap it around my head. It’s just too much information to process and the fact, for me at least – it’s harder that Maths. The news I have been watching lately doesn’t help me at all. I am all anxious and knowing how I am an over thinker really drives insane.
As I cited from BBC, “for some people, gender identity and expression isn’t fixed-rather, it can change daily”. On another video that I watched (I need to find the link, I turned off my browsing history so I need time to trace it back) a girl demonstrated how gender fluid is (I could not find the first video I watched, wonder if I saw it on Twitter?? But here’s a link with the said video). There! I’ve started to get confused. If that is an example of non-binary/gender fluidity or whatever terms there are (pardon me), isn’t it what we call “mood”? I mean I have been dressing in a certain way depends on occasions and my moods; however, it has nothing to do with my gender. I am a female, a woman! There are times that make me feel a little boyish or masculine so I choose to put short/trousers on and some other times I feel very feminine so I will go for a skirt or a dress and maybe with a little makeup on. There will be no way that I will wear a skirt or a dress when I am working on my garden no matter how feminine or girlish I feel that time. How can be mood or personality be the definition of gender. Let say, in the morning I will dress up in a blouse and trouser in order to attend a meeting; does it mean I am a man? After work, I want to wear my tank-top and shorts to feel more relax and comfortable; does it make me agender? Or I have a dinner date so I put a slick dress on with makeup and it will make me a woman? My God!!! What world do I live in now???? And please don’t insult me by asking my pronoun; I am a woman, born female and proudly live my life as a woman!!
Call me conservative because in my opinion the term of gender has the same meaning with the term of sex, so biologically it will be male and female or man and woman. Of course a woman or a female may have masculine roles as it depends on her situation or environment where she grows up. My mother took the masculine role after the passing of my dad, it didn’t and still doesn’t change the fact that she’s a woman or a female. My elder brother cooked and did my laundry when I was in high-school, it didn’t make him a woman and never will. A man or a male may also take/have a feminine roles and again it doesn’t change the fact that he is a man/a male. I grew up very boyish, played with boys only since I felt I wasn’t well connected to other girls. I loved flying kites or rode my bike or played football (often covered in mud) and it stayed that way until I was in high-school. We talk things with boys meanwhile girls tend to be more interested in other people. Oh by the way, I got dumped once because I wasn’t feminine. LOL!!! It was painful knowing the real reason but it didn’t change me nor did I want to change. In university though, as I wasn’t as active as in high-school; I started to wear skirt attending classes but it was like once in a blue moon. I did put some makeup on in my final uni year due to internship.
Although I grew up being boyish or a tomboy, never did I want to identify myself as a boy; and now, this gender identity, trans and pronouns get me worried. I won’t be this anxious if we’re all in Bali at the moment, just because the insanity is far less than what I have seen in the west. Since my boys are raised in Oz and those news I watched about gender dysphoria and trans movements are getting closer and closer to children, I don’t think I will be at ease ever again.
Look, I always mind my own business. I believe in free speech and the freedom of expression; however, as far as children are involved, I can let it go. Being away from my boys at the moment make things more complicated. I began to nag a lot more about our boys at school, their school activities, teachers, teacher – parents meeting and a lot more. I am fortunate having someone like him as my better half as he always ensure me and calm me down. Bless him!! Hehe…
If anybody ask me on gender identity and trans movements and which one that gets me go on full mode mad; I will say that trans movements gets my anxiety sky high, especially after all those news I have watched and read that more and more brands support this insanity. I don’t want to find out that my children are being ‘groomed’ on gender fluidity and LGBTQ+ (I have to say, trans movement). Why? Because they are still young, they have a lot more to learn on their own way and I don’t need some strangers teaching my children this madness. Hear, hear…I have no problem with LGBTQ+ community; I know lesbian couples, I have a couple of gay friends that I met in early uni year, we are friends and we worked on a couple of projects together. I met a couple of gay friends at work too and one of them is inside my close circle of friends (not only colleagues). They never belong to this LGBTQ community though, because they don’t see why they need to be part of. I know trans community, especially after I worked with them a couple of times at events. I respect their life choices, I have no right to judge them. We may have different way of seeing the world, it doesn’t mean we have to fight each other. And again, this community in Bali is vastly different than what I see in the west (through news); therefore, I have my concerns over our children as they’re born and raised in a country that hold different value. Perhaps, their dad will be able to understand the culture better than I do, because he and his elder brother are first gen ABC (Australian Born Chinese) in our family.
I won’t be this anxious if it doesn’t involve children. Adults have every right to choose and to live their own way, however children (not even the most mature children) need guidance. I don’t want them to make decision they will regret for the rest of their life because they don’t have the cognitive ability to do so (yet). I believe you don’t want it either! I’d like to share a video that crush my heart into pieces after watching it. This is what I mean by I don’t want children to make decision that they may regret later, it is irreversible and by that means there is no way back. I may be one of those conservative parents that children find so uncool; trust me, I will choose to be this uncool parent rather than witnessing my beloved babies regret their decision and yes, it is for the future of my children. I believe one day they will see the world through my lens and understand why I did what I do. I was a child once, I used to get angry to the world. As I get older, I’ve learnt to be wiser.
And there is our older brother, the eldest and the wisest amongst us three. I am grateful that he’s the eldest despite his imperfection as a human being; he’s the most loving brother one’s could ever wished for. He’s a father figure for me. I tend to be attracted to a guy who has similar treats to my brother. He’s smart (the smartest I have to say), supportive, and unbiased. I seek for his advices whenever I need to make big decisions. I had been hurt by my brother too. It was on his early marriage to my sister-in-law; I was jealous so was her. We wanted to have a drop more of attention but we failed to understand that we were loved and is always loved. My relationship with my sister-in-law had a rocky start; we fought a lot but it’s truly water under the bridge now. We have learnt our way to love and to respect each other.
Then, what about my depression? Again, I don’t know what’s the root of my issue. What I know for certain is that every argument I have with my mother or my sister becomes one of the triggers of my relapse. I don’t meet my sister that often which save us from pointless and hurtful arguments. But my mother is a completely different story. I love my mother, she loves me – I believe, but our arguments can turn our mood sour and my messy head will whisper all those negative lines about my existence.
I experienced a relapse too after my break-up but it didn’t make me think of completely erasing my existence. Well, I did want to runaway but not dead. One of the worst relapses was in 2021. I needed to consult a psychologist after an argument with my mother. I don’t blame others for whatever happen in my life. It’s all in me, in my head. There is a dangerous spot in my head that will feed me all negativities. That’s why I need to keep my head in check. I can’t stay idle for too long because every conversation I have in that “spot” will drive my insane. Once I shut down, I need a vast amount of energy to get my will to crawl back up and stand up. Back then, my youngest niece was my driving force who kept me will of fire burning brightly. I wouldn’t be able to get back in my feet without her touching my soul, deeply.
Then, another relapse when I had an accident that broke my left leg. Yep, I went through surgery in June 2022 and I had to stay at hospital for 6 days. If I could get my surgery right-away I probably would stay shorter, but I had to receive blood transfusion prior my surgery to level my hemoglobin counts (it’s harder when I suffer from hemolytic anemia). The first couple of months were hell as I had to depend on others for anything and everything. I made me feel useless and unworthy. I knew it was something I had no control over, however, accepting and moving on with it has always been hard. I cried a lot and biter most of the day. Only on the 4th month I began to be able to move more as I became more confident using my crutch to move around, I began a simple and gentle yoga routine that I did on bed accompanied by a 5 minutes meditation to calm my mind. Then, I started new crochet projects to keep me occupied for the rest of the day. I did write but mostly about how bitter I felt and how hard it was accepting it with an open heart. The good thig I could see from this unfortunate event is that I finished different crochet projects. Have I promised that I’ll show you a few? Uhm… I’ll share a bit. Hehehe…
A couple of crochet projects I managed to finished. There are a few more unfinished projects I need to attend but I need to make another batch of yarns order to complete them. I’ll make my time for it, I’ve promised myself. LOL
So, what do I do to feel grounded and calm?? For the past 5-6 years I have been learning to ground my inner demon. My break-up was the main reason why I decided to get back into Tai Chi and Yoga. Yoga is not new for me, being born and raised in Bali surrounded by rich culture and traditions; yoga has become part of our way of life. I am not only talking yoga as in Yoga Asanas which is part of Raja Yoga, because what we call yoga in Bali and Hinduism is more than just breathing technique and body movements. In Bali, we do Bhakti Yoga – a loving devotion towards personal deity – through daily offerings and festivals offers to the Almighty God, gods and deities as well as our ancestors; then we have Karma Yoga – literally means yoga of actions which teaches us every action has its consequences, I believe the term “Karma is a bitch” is familiar for many; then Balinese through our high priests share their wisdoms to educate us on Jnana Yoga, Jnana means knowledge or wisdom; some also practice Tantra Yoga – it explores all aspects, sensations, and energies that weave through the body and mind. Although Raja Yoga is more well-known and widely accepted, it does not make other branches of yoga less important for us.
It was taken years ago, one of many photos I took to check on my progress. I don’t do many dynamic sequences anymore as I am focused on Yin and Restorative Yoga. I do a bit of Hatha and Vinyasa in between but the percentage is way less than Yin Yoga. My purpose is to feel grounded and to reap the benefits for my overall health.
Seven years ago, I felt I need to find something that help me grounded. My pain, my tears and those hurtful memories should never bring me down. I have made times to treat myself; to give a little bit more love because I deserve it. I am learning to acknowledge my weaknesses, to accept criticism, and to stop blaming myself for every unfortunate event. I dedicate a portion of my time, usually first thing in the morning or anytime of the day when I have my plate full, to mediate and to do yoga asana. I need a dash of positivity to start my day. It’s been a hell of a journey. There are times that the gravity pulling me down so hard I almost given up. I want to set my self free of this mess. In order to keep those negative thoughts away, I need to move and to stay active. Keeping my brain active through various activities help me to stay sane. I want to stay alive not because I have two boys that I need to see them growing up, my teen nieces and also teen nephews I still want to see them walking their life or I want to be there when they need any of us; but because deep down my heart I want to do many things. I may fall every now and then, but I will pick myself up and walk again.
I have learnt a lot but I am still failing to seal my demon away. I am allowed to slow down; I am loved and I am enough. I am grateful for every little step I accomplished and for the love I receive.
***I am still curious, though, to find out why I have such a difficult relationship with my mother. I envy my friends who have best friend-like relationship that they can share stories as well as accommodating.***
Yellow there… How have you been? As I am writing this post, I am not feeling great. My mind is messy and I have no idea how to fix it neither do I know when it may come greeting me. As long as I remember I have always had messy head, one uneventful experience can lead me to another relapse. This post is written after another argument that hurt me deeply, I blame myself foe being too sensitive. It will be hard to understand depression especially for those who never dealing with it.
Did you know when Chester Bennington lost his fight, there were people who said that he didn’t get the help and supports from his family and friends. As one of Linkin Park fans, I did feel that I fail to notice how dark it was, how deep his depression was. But, it’s not always about support system because by the end of the day, it’s about how strong we are fighting our own demon.
I don’t know when was the first time I realized that I was fighting my depression. I have no idea the root of my problems. I wonder if my blurry childhood memories have to do with it. Weird? Perhaps it is. I only realized how messed up my memories had been when I listened to my best friends telling me her childhood memories. One has this vivid memory of how painful it was to face her parents’ divorce and learnt that her late father was not one to blame, unlike how her late mother dumped all the blames on to her father. Another one has these beautiful memories from her childhood where she had doting grandparents and a pair of loving parents despite her loneliness being the only child. Then what do I remember? I remember my dad taught me Chinese history, he taught me to memorise important verses from Bhagavad Gita that I still remember until now, he was a teacher (I didn’t know that) and a proud farmer – farming had always been his passion – even though he had to drop out from university, he had the knowledge and his method was always 5-10 years ahead of his time (in our community). My mother respected my dad as much as she looked down on him. Back then I couldn’t tell as I harbored a deep hatred toward my dad after he hit my head. I was never be the sharpest tool on box, he lost control and hit my head when he was teaching me Maths. I was grade 8 when that happened. I did not speak to my dad for over two years. When he passed away, I could not tell if I regretted everything but I did feel sad – I still do. Days before he passed away, my dad refused to eat. It was hard for to swallow, even he had to struggle drinking a drop of water. He refused almost everything but when I brought a piece of papaya, he tried to sit up (might be he thought if he sat up, it would ease me to feed him). He had no energy left, so my aunt helped him to rise his pillows so I could feed him. He ate and drank a few drops of water. He smiled. That was his last smile. The day he passed away I was at school, my brother in-law picked me up and drove me home. My aunt told me that he was waiting but he ran out of time. He’s gone 5 minutes before I got home. I remember that he wished to send me to Aachen or to Munich so I could get a better education. He told me he was inspired by BJ Habibie – the third president of Indonesia; therefore, either Aachen or Munich. I am fine, I did not get to study in Aachen like he wished but I set my foot in Munich in 2009; it was for a business trip – a completely different reason – but I believe he would be proud if he knew.
What about my mother? I did not have a good relationship with my mother. It doesn’t mean that I don’t love her. I admired her for her strong will and how she brought us up with a very minimum financial support from my dad, plus our family was outcasted by my dad’s family right after the passing of my grandfather. She paid for our school tuitions; she has that little book with all of our school expenses, especially our university days. But somehow, we never get along wonder why. There are times that make me feel she’s being manipulative and that she’s a control freak. She hates when we refuse to “obey and follow” her way. When I was younger, I would choose to stay away from confrontation but as I got older, it’s hard for me to avoid confrontation when I know exactly that’s wrong. I understand where’s she coming from and that she experienced hardships when she brought us. She holds grudges from the past. She refuses to let go no matter how hard we tell her that we want to close that painful chapter. Instead of letting it go, she nurses it and lets it root deep inside her. As her children, we want to end this vicious cycle; it won’t take anywhere near. She says she believes in karma but what she does, doesn’t reflect it.
Then, I have my older sister. She’s the exact copy of our mother in terms of tenacity. She is smart, the second smartest after our older brother, and we have this love – hate relationship. I deeply wounded by her words. She told me that as the youngest in our family (from our dad’s and mother’s side, I am the youngest) I have lived an easy life. She said that I didn’t need to force my way to get approval from our mother to continue my study; I didn’t need to take public transport nor did I need to walk miles away to reach school. But she didn’t know that I traded my dream for that. Our dad passed away when two months before grade 12. I talked to our mother that I wanted to pursue my dream and I wanted to get into the same university my older brother was in. When our dad was still alive, she was alright, but things changed when he passed away. My mother decided that if I wanted to continue my study, I had to stay in Bali. I was afraid of my mother’s health if I forced my way. So yes, I threw my dream away and got into university in Bali. One day, I overheard her talking to her friend that I took everything away from her just because I was born after her. Did it mean she hate me? She did and still does. But she loves me so much, too. She sacrifices a lot for me, financially supported me whenever I had to be admitted to hospital. There were times when my insurance didn’t cover everything and she or our brother would cover the cost. Autoimmune treatment isn’t cheap.
From one event to another. I had been helping Andrew and his team working on a couple of events. I was lucky working in Marion & Co allowed to me take side events as long as it did not disrupt my job as a wedding planner. I also received a handsome fee for side events I assisted. The more we met for work the closer we got. After months, I felt comfortable enough to share my personal struggles. For the first time I talked about my failed relationship that not only brought me pain but also PTSD; I needed to see psychiatrist to overcome my issues. Took me a little over a year to finally able to regain my mental-composure. The fact that he just broke up with his long-time fiancé made me feel understood. I felt I met someone who understood the pain and the hardship I faced to mend my broken life.
“Welcome to Coffee Secrets. What would you like to have?” A waitress welcomed and asked our order.
“What do you like?
“Hot Café Latte, please.”
“One hot café latte and iced cappuccino, please. Also, one banana fritters and one raspberry pancake.”
“Anything else?”
“That’s all for now.”
“May I repeat your order… One hot café latte, one iced cappuccino, one banana fritters and one raspberry pancake.”
“That’s correct… Thank you.”
“We’ll prepare your order. If you need any assistance, please press the red bell. Thank you.” The waitress left our table.
Andrew asked to have a cup of coffee at a café I frequently visited. The barista knew me from my frequent visit with my friends.
“It seems you’re a regular?”
“Kind of…”
“What’s so special”
“Hmm… It is close to my office, coffee is good, food is good and reasonable price. It also has an outdoor seating. Sometimes it feels good sitting outside without an air-conditioner.”
“I see… By the way… Shall we grab that table in the corner?” We saw a couple of guests left. Andrew hailed a waiter to inform him that we would move to that table in the corner. It happened to be my favourite corner. My friends and I often reserved this table if we wanted to hang out.
“So, what do you want to talk about?”
“Nothing in particular. Just wanted to see you, that’s all.”
“Oh okay…”
“Are you busy?”
“Not really. I needed to send a couple of quotations; now I only need to review the mood board sent by our client.”
“Overseas?”
“Yep, I’ve been in-charge to oversee overseas clients, so yeah…”
“That’s cool. Do you need to travel a lot?”
“Well, I do need to travel once in a while. We have overseas wedding exhibitions to attend and a few clients want to hold their wedding in different island, so yeah, I do travel.”
“Need companion? I can accompany you if you want, you know I can help you too.”
“Uh?”
“Yea, I mean I am free to travel and I can help you to manage your event too.”
“Ah… Oooh, sure. We’ll see if we need any help.” ‘We have our team, so we don’t to outsource tho…’
A waiter brought our order along with extra biscuit – a treat from the bartender.
“You feel better?”
“Uh?”
“You said you don’t usually talk about private stuff to others. You told me, that’s why I asked if you feel better after got it out off of your chest?”
“Yeeaah.. Thank you.”
“If you feel you need to talk to someone, you know you can always talk to me. I am all ears for you.”
“Haha… Thanks.”
“Don’t be too hard on yourselves.”
“I know.”
Time passed by as we sat and talked about works and personal stuff, more personal stuff lately. The way he talked and supported me made me feel I was being appreciated. I did not have this experience from my previous relationship, but I also had this thought that he might do this to others too. He was a people person and it was easy for him to connect with others. He gave out subtle hints, however I refused to acknowledge. It’s true that I needed to start over; it did not mean to jump into it right away.
“I’ll have a meeting with the local committee of a computer manufacture. They are planning to hold a gathering for their top sales in Asia Pacific. If our event management win the bid, I’ll need your help again.”
“Sure. Let me know the schedule first. I have 3 upcoming weddings and I will be fully in charged for one of the weddings.”
“I’ll let you know after the meeting. Wish me luck.”
“Good luck…” I packed up my stuff, as I looked at my watch it’s almost 7 in the evening. I needed to meet my friend.
“Thanks. Are you leaving?”
“Yeah. My friend will pick me up here. I made a promise that I’ll accompany her to get her boyfriend a birthday gift.”
“Oh, I see. Want me to drive you there?”
“Oh no. No, thanks. She’ll be here in five.”
“Okay, I’ll stay until your friend is arrived. Let me…” Andrew settled the bill for the evening. He said, a man should pay.
“Thank you. Next time will be on me.”
Gracie arrived a few minutes later. We drove to the closest shopping mall. The traffic was okay, not to heavy compared to a couple of hours ago. I did not understand why Gracie still wanted to get her boyfriend a birthday gift after she was cheated on. I wanted to stop her but I was in no position to stop her from doing whatever she wanted to do. She had her own reasons and I was not going to challenge her on that.
“Who’s that?” Grace had zero patience in terms of curiosity. I often joked that curiosity killed the cat but she refused to believe.
“He’s Sandra’s brother.”
“Sandra? You mean Sandra, Marion’s friend?”
“Correct.”
“Why was he with you?”
“We discussed a couple of projects. I helped him on his previous events.”
“Ooh… you like him?”
“Yea, I can learn a lot from him on event management.”
“Not that kind of like dummy. Like as in a woman likes a man.”
“Oh… I don’t know. I don’t think I see him that way.”
“But it seems he likes you.”
“What make you say that?”
“I saw him keep stealing glances at you. I know, I wasn’t there for long but I still can tell. Anyway, It’s about time for you to open up to other men, you know.”
“Aaah… I don’t think I am ready for a new relationship, plus I see him as a senior.”
“Okay if you say so. Just know that you need to give yourselves another chance. Doesn’t necessarily with him. You know what I am saying?”
“Yes, Mam. Roger that…”
“Arriveeeeeddddd!” We arrived. The parking lot was not that full, we did not need driving in circle to find a spot to park our car. I had no worry though; Gracie was a great driver. We changed our shoes with trainers for comfy reason
“What are you going to get?”
“Dunno. A watch maybe? But… Food first. I’ll have an idea after food.”
“Hahaha… I am so hungry I could die…” Gracie dragged me to a noodles restaurant. We liked this restaurant just because we could order kids menu to allow us indulged ourselves in other side dishes. Their udon was not great but enough to fill our craving for udon. Their tempura was especially crispy, we normally had three to five different types of tempura to share, extra soft-boiled eggs and two hot ocha.
We were standing in line discussing what we were going to order. Their beef udon was tempting but too much for me to handle. At the end I chose tori baitan udon, whilst Gracie had beef rice bowl from the kids’ menu; we added two kakiage and two ebi tempura onto our order. Gracie chose to have cold ocha but I stayed with my hot ocha. It was Gracie’s treat tonight.
We took a seat in the middle. For the two of us, it was a strategic position; first it was closed to the beverage refill jars and sauces; second, we could see people come and go. We loved watching people, there were times we would see young couples who acted all sweet that made us thought, ‘Did we do that when we were their age?’; some other times we would be entertained by middle age women who acted like they were in their late 20s. When we saw that, we would think, ‘Oh geez, not like that’. Watching and studying people were always interesting.
“I think we need to get more of this kakiage, don’t we?”
“Uhm… Yes but… on second thought, no. Let’s finish it, then we’ll see if we still want it.” Gracie’s appetite tempted me but we could not waste any food, could we?!
“Hmm… Okay.”
“Any idea yet?”
“Dunno…” Gracie shrugged.
“Where are we going then?”
“Time Zone, shall we?”
“Ah wait, our plan was getting your boyfriend a birthday gift; why is it Time Zone now? Especially after dinner, seriously?”
“What, you’ll throw up?? I just think that I changed my mind? Am not going to get him any present this time.”
“I probably would. We ate a lot!”
“So, where are we?”
“If you’re not going to get a birthday present; let’s go to that bookshop.”
“You just bought a book two days ago.”
“I never said I am going to get any…”
“I know you so damn well; you’ll end up buying another book. So, no!!” ‘Who would say no to books, duh?!’
“Okay… Let’s get out first.” We left the restaurant, walked toward the coffee shop by the South gate.
“By the way, that guy from before… what’s his name again?”
“Andrew?”
“I think he likes you.”
“Oh, please. Stop talking nonsense. Why would he?”
“You’re smart, pretty… maybe not the prettiest but you are… hmm… you’re attractive.”
“Thank you. And I love you too.”
Gracie had been the support system I truly needed after my family. She stayed by my side no matter how fierce we had fought before. I felt sorry sometimes for being too harsh on her; perhaps I made it harsh just because I never wanted her to experience the same pain I had before.
“Let’s get a cup of coffee.”
We placed our order, a take away since we planned to do window shopping a little more. Our coffee was on me; when it was only the two of us; we never shared our bill, but instead we would naturally take turn to pay. If Gracie paid for our meal, then I would pay for our dessert or coffee or recharging our game centre member card.
“Whose name did you put on your order?” Gracie’s face turned red as she came with our cups.
“Cinta…” *Cinta means love in Indonesian. It is often used to describe our feeling (love) and it can also be used to call our boyfriend/girlfriend, beloved daughter, as colloquial word for dear, honey, or love in English.
“Oh my God, Catherine!!! Did you know how many people look at me when I picked up our cups?”
“I had been hoping… At least half of the people in the vicinity?”
“Oh Jesus!!! You’re banned from ordering anything for us!!”
“Why?? You should be happy Grace, they called you Cinta, full of love… Hahahaha…”
“Idiot!!”
An old joke that I had been repeating for the last couple of years. I did not get a chance to do it before, even if I wanted to. Surviving an abusive relationship tended to make you completely lose your identity.
We continued our walk to brands section. After a lot of thought, Gracie decided to get her boyfriend a pair of leather shoes. I initially disagreed but again, I had no say. If she decided to get it, she would get it.
“Let’s go back…”
We headed back to the parking lot. A little sleepy but I had to stay awake or else Gracie would leave me somewhere on our way home. She hated it when she had to drive and her companion fell asleep.
“Do you have any plan for tomorrow?”
“I’ll have two meetings; one with our vendors and one with the bride. They’re planning to hold food tasting with 3 different caterers.”
“Sounds fun… the food tasting part.”
“Normally yeah… but I’ll give a pass if I could?”
“Why? Another “difficult” couple?”
“Yeah, the groom’s family has been giving me a year worth of headache.”
“That bad?!”
“That bad, I don’t even want to talk about it.”
I knew that feeling so well. We would meet a couple or their family who would give us a headache from their ridiculous requests. Compared to Gracie, I met this type of clients way less often. Most of our overseas clients wanted a simple yet elegant weddings. They did not spend much on details but they went hard on their food and beverages. This is one of the reasons why our beverage vendors love us.
“Kate…”
“Hm…”
“Are you sure that you have no feeling for that Andrew guy?”
“Not that I am aware of, why?”
“Nothing… just can’t shake the feeling off. He looks like someone who’s falling head over heel for you.”
“Uh? You only met him once!”
“I don’t know… it’s my opinion.”
A twenty minutes’ drive to our place. Gracie dropped me off in front of the gate to my rented flat, we lived two blocks away from each other’s.
I took a quick shower before bed. I decided to set my alarm a little later; I could enjoy a bit more time before working over time tomorrow. My phone blinked.
Home? Good nite Kate… *
It had been awhile now. Andrew kept sending me random texts at random times. Well, good night…
Catherine Willow, a young woman who spent the past 7 years planning and executing hundreds of weddings for her respective clients, found herself locked behind her desk with proposals to finish. She had a peculiar wedding client who wish to hold her wedding in three months but only got in-touch to Marion & Co – the wedding company Catherine worked for – last week. Therefore, she needed to put this client up to her priority list. Besides, the bride-to-be specifically asked her to plan the wedding. She refused everyone else but Catherine. She said Catherine planned her best friend wedding last year and it was fabulous; therefore, she wanted Catherine to plan her dream wedding too.
For Catherine, the request was not unusual. She received similar requests from brides, grooms or their family. Just, this particular client was rather difficult to handle. The groom-to-be did not have much to say, he said yes to whatever the bride-to-be wanted. The problem was the bride had no specific concept in mind; she often changed her mind which made Catherine spent hours and hours to create different mood boards. That was the first challenge, the second challenges came from bride-to-be’s mother, she expected grand celebration with a minimal cost. That was so typical. Also, the bride’s mother wanted a complete control, but the groom’s mother would never allow that considering the groom’s parents would be paying. She needed a good solution to fix the concept and met the couple’s expectations. She had been sitting for hours, typing and calling partners to come up with a new proposal. She did not realise Linda – long standing best friend slash colleague – sat next to her. They worked for the same company but in different division. Linda was in charged for domestic clients whilst Catherine was in charged for overseas clients. Statistically, domestic clients filled 65% of the company’s income.
“Kate, what’s up?”
“Nah… just another headache from the bride’s mother.”
“Oh, did you meet them?”
“Yup, earlier today. She gave me list of stuff she wanted for her daughter’s wedding but she accused me for robbing her after I showed her the price list. Well, I don’t think she needs to worry about a penny considering her son-in-law’s parents will be paying.”
“The groom’s parents will pay?”
“Yup, everything. From flights, accommodation, venue and wedding reception.”
“Wow, that’s interesting. I wish my in-laws paid for our wedding. Hahaha…”
“Ah com’on, they paid the wedding banquet, didn’t they?”
“Yeah… they did. But we still paid for the tea ceremony, wedding services, accommodation and church services.”
“At least they chipped in.”
“True that… By the way, will Kevin’s parents pay for your wedding?”
“Uh?! I don’t know. We don’t even talk about it… yet.”
“No way! Kevin been hinting about wedding, hasn’t he?”
“Uhm… We talked… but it’s a passing conversation… And I don’t think I want to face wedding stress. You know, I’m happy planning on other’s weddings, it’s fun and I get to spend their money to make their dream wedding comes true. But for me if I get married, a civil registration followed by lunch with family and close friends will be enough, I guess?? Hassle free, stress free. Hehe…”
“You didn’t say that. You used to say that you wanted a grand wedding, with thousands of fresh roses; walked down the aisle and grand wedding reception with hundreds of invitees.”
“Hahaha… I was too young back then. I thought a fairy tale wedding concept would be a great idea. Now tho, saving money is more important.”
“Ah… I see. I’ll plan your wedding for free. I think Marion will sponsor your wedding too.”
“Hmm…”
“Kate… are you happy?”
“Define happy!”
“Happy as in happy?! You and Kevin, your job… you know after everything happened.”
“Of course, I am. Well, we fought and we argued a lot. But I see that as the process of getting to know each other better. I’d be worried if we never fight tho. I’m full of flaws, he knew it and he chose to stay.”
“I am happy that you’re happy. You truly deserve it; I hope you know that.”
“Thanks Gracie. Looking back, I am grateful for everything I lost and I have gained.”
“That’s great. Can you imagine how would your life be if you were with Andrew?”
“I can’t. I should thank him for breaking my heart. Or else, I’d never challenge myself nor would I meet Kevin.”
“What was happened? I know it’s been years and I’m not supposed to reopen an old wound. Just… you never told me the full story. I suddenly found out that you broke up and that asshole married another woman…”
“Aah…”
“Sorry, if you don’t want to…”
“Grace, it’s fine. I’ve been meaning to tell you; I owe you an explanation after all. Plus, it’s been so long. I can laugh while telling you the whole story.”
“Even if you cry, you are allowed to.”
“Nah, I cried enough. There’s nothing to cry about. Besides, I’d be lying if I say that I don’t want to see he reap his bad karma. Haha…”
“You’re too kind. I wonder if you ever think about it.”
“I used to think about it a lot, then I forgot. But some people are too kind that they keep giving me updates. Hehe…”
“So, you actually know their current situation?”
“Yep. I know about it all along. I chose to ignore it; they don’t deserve my time and attention.”
“No, they don’t.”
“So… you knew that they’re in financial difficulties?”
“Hmm… Kind of. You know Marion’s friend told me.”
“Oh well… I am still curious tho, how did you meet him?”
“Andrew? Oh, he’s an old acquaintance. I knew him through mutual friends; also, his sister worked on several projects with us. Basically, we met due to our working environment. Then, we connected privately after events training. You know, I went to self-development training many years ago to overcome my low self-esteem. He also went to the same program in order to deepen his knowledge on the program. He asked me to help him with the program he’s going to hold in Bali. I thought why not…”
SIX YEARS AGO…
“Kate, my sister told me that you can help me with this training program.”
“Training program?”
“Yeah, she said you attended the three days training program last year?”
“Aaah, yeah. But, what can I help you? I was there as a participant.”
“That’s perfect. I need your help with the flow of the participants. You see, we’ll have 3 different classes; regular, silver and VIP. What’s the different of their benefits? And then syllabus perhaps?”
“Oh, okay. I was a gold participant so I get to see the trainer on a one-on-one session, got invited to networking dinner with Robert Kiyosaki and we were handed a homework to finish. Also, we had a farewell party and got to walk on hot coals. This information was actually available on their tickets.”
“Yes, I saw that. But they didn’t give enough details tho.”
“No, but we could see list of benefits.”
“True. However, I didn’t know that you have homework on networking dinner.”
“Yeah… I found out when we arrived in the function.”
“What was the homework then?”
“Meeting knew people, introducing ourselves, memorizing the faces. Homework was evaluated after dinner. I needed to mention the people I met correctly. Some people will be called in private, then I needed to recognize their faces and names correctly. They key was eye contact. It was hard for me, I tended to avoid a direct eye-contact.”
“You said walk on hot coals? Did you participate?”
“Yep. I did. I thought it was impossible, but our mind and will are stronger.”
“That’s cool!! Did you afraid?”
“Oh, you bet. I thought my feet would be melted like a plastic bowl. But I conquered it. So, it was good.”
“Wow! Now, got it. What about silver and regular participants?”
“Silver didn’t get the one-on-one session, no networking dinner but they did get invited to the farewell party. And for regular, I think they only had the session we shared in that big group. One of the participants said she regretted getting the regular ticket knowing she could have a one-on-one session with trainers.”
“Okay, so we need to highlight the benefits of gold and silver tickets as we want to sell more of these tickets and we want regular ticket holders to upgrade.”
From one meeting to another, I met Andrew after work to help him with his event. He was an event planner who owned an event management company. His company worked with several big companies who became their regular clients. He was known for his skills with vast experience in hospitality and event management. I thought I could learn more from him. I realized after jumping from one event company to work as a sales executive for a local hotel group and then worked as a sales manager of one of the most famous French restaurants in Bali; I learnt I was always interested in event planning. My scope of works was moving around sales and event planning. Moreover, half of my time as a sales manager for a French Restaurant got me engage with various events; from corporate events to wedding receptions. That was why I chose to leave my post at the French Restaurant to work at Marion & Co.
As the preparation come to an end; he asked if I could assist him to manage the Registration and Liaison Office for two medical conferences. It happened to be a low season for wedding business, so I helped him out.
“How was it? Do you need anything?”
“All set. We’ll do a test run for registration team. We need to find the best flow to manage the peak hours.”
“That’d be great. Before we start, let’s hold a general briefing.”
“Sure. Let me get my team.”
Briefing was held to share the latest updates on every department. The first group arrival would arrive at 9PM followed by the following day between 8AM to 4PM. Liaison Officer were divided by country and registration team would standby from 7AM.
So far, we able to manage the flow with minimum to no issues. I was happy as it was the first conference I got involved in after graduated from the university. It brought back memories to those days I garnered experiences in event. I started my journey from a Sales Promotion Girl for one of the biggest telecommunication carriers in Indonesia, then in my university sophomore year I started to take the challenges as Liaison Officer in many international conferences, before I set my record behind the desk as a professional note-taker. I found working behind the desk is much more convenient as I did not need to interact with many people. Those experiences got me a chance to be a part timer at Marion & Co; it was not intended but I felt I would waste an opportunity if I did not take it. For this, I should thank my uni-classmate to take me to her interview.
The three days conference was concluded with group tours. Different country chose different excursion for the day. The committee was happy for the event was a success one. I was happy; so was my team and the whole organizer. They were hard to please but we managed to execute it well.
“Here…” Andrew gave me a box.
“What is it?”
“Open it, you’ll like it.” I opened the box and found two chocolate bars from my favourite brand. It was not a fancy brand but it brought me the best childhood memories.
“Chocolate… How did you know that I’ve been craving for it?”
“Easy. It’s written all over your face.”
“Ah, yeah? Thanks.”
“Kate, did you ride or drive here?”
“Nope. I took a taxi this morning. Why?”
“Going home now?”
“Yep, need to get some rest. I have a venue inspection and food tasting scheduled tomorrow.”
I had no idea about strawberry generations before yesterday. I heard about sandwich generations a couple of years ago when I worked as a note taker on a business and management conference. From this event, I learnt that sandwich generation is defined as adults with at least one living parent age 65 years old or older and who are raising a child or providing financial supports to a child age 18 years old or older. These adults responsible for their own financial needs as well as provide financial supports to their elderly parents and children (probably I am not completely right, from experience I found it a lot amongst Asians).
Then, what about strawberry generations? According to a video from Rhenald Kasali – one of prominent professors in Indonesia, that I watched yesterday; strawberry generation is used to describe the phenomenon of today’s young generations who have many bright ideas and creativities but they are can’t take hardships, easily give up and hurt, selfish and pessimistic about the future. Tracing back the term, it was first appeared in Taiwan to describe those who were born after 80 (that’s me!!!) and have difficulty dealing with social pressure unlike their parents when they were young. However, nowadays, there are many debates regarding the age grouping for the strawberry generation and many believe that the term is more appropriate for those who have behave like a strawberry (one brush, wound or break them easily. In the west is commonly known as snowflakes).
So, if we refer to the first term that appeared in Taiwan, I fall into this category of strawberry generations considering I was born after the 80. And then, very easily to include me as one of those strawberry parents. Despite the negative images, there are positive qualities of this generation: like challenges, not only working for money, dare to express their opinions and easy to adapt to technology. Well, in term of easy to adapt to technology I could say we experienced a rapid change in technology development. from letter, telegram, land line, pager, internet, mobile phone to the latest technology.
Parenting Types
There are different parenting styles, different households have different parenting styles. When my nieces were in elementary school, I used to get agitated whenever I met parents who made a fuss at school after their child(ren) got scolded at school by their teachers. In a couple of occasions, I witnessed teachers had to apologise to the parents because they scolded or punished their children for their wrong doings. The children reported to their parents that they got scolded and their parents decided to interfere just because they refused to accept their children being scolded at school.
I often ask myself if I am being a good parent? I can tell my other half is a good dad and parent, what about me? I can’t say for sure, although I can say that I learn to be, everyday. I disagreed to those parents who got involved too deeply, moreover of those who came to school and made a fuss about their children being disciplined after their wrong doings. I (remain) disagree even after being a parent for the reason that I do think our children have to learn respect at school. We teach them about love and respect at home, and ideally they will learn and practice more on how to respect others.
When I took care of my nephews and nieces, there were times I overindulged them as a consequence of my guilt of leaving them at home and spent less time than we wanted to. I bought them toys and gave up on their wants in exchange of the loss time. I could not give them money, they were way too young. In my younger niece’s case, I helped her beyond need, especially with her home-works and exam. In order to accelerate the process, I ended up helped her to finish her home-works. It’s either I did not have the patience or I felt sorry to see her stumbled between questions and texts.
Based on the 4 parenting styles, I wish I have adopted that authoritative style. I have seen a couple of friends parenting styles changed when their children get older. Maybe it’s the case of our situation too, we learn to get the children involve in any activities including cleaning dishes. I admire how they learn to be responsible of their “duties”, school, home-works and then assisting us at home. Even the smallest thing they do as part of their responsibilities make me proud. Their dad often rewards them with small gifts, from books and toys. Oh, they don’t have that many toys as we like to take them out cycling or swimming (they swim and I pose. LOL… I can’t swim!!)
Being a parent is a fascinating experience, there is no manual on how to become a good parents. It has been trial and error process. A complete new experience with the first born, as we think we understood the drill and could handle anything when the second one born (and the third and the fourth…). How foolish it is to think that way when we find out that the second time (and the next and the next ones) is another new experience. Yes, mentally we will be more prepared than the first but again, we have no manual in becoming parents. Moreover, children have their own treats. One thing though, most parents that I know put more expectations and responsibilities on the first born as we hope the first born will love and protect their younger brothers/younger sisters.
Talking about parenting, I was brought up in a rich cultural background of Balinese parents in a not-so traditional way, especially due to different background of our mother’s family; many lived in other islands (Java, East Nusa Tenggara and Sulawesi) which pushed us to learn different languages from early age. I remember how my parents let me experienced certain things on my own (such as school competition, learning traditional dances and cycling in the village) and also never let me experienced some other things on my own just because they thought I didn’t need to. My elder brother and sister were brought up in a tough way, they needed to do many different stuff on their own since our parents were always busy. They learnt to cook rice very early. When I was born, things were a little different, my elder brother and sister went to school in different island which made me raised like an only child. Our parents were not as busy; our (late) father was a farmer (after he quit his job as a teacher) and our mother opened a shop, therefore our mother spent most of the time at home taking care of the house while made a living through selling daily needs at her shop (she still has her shop, but she is not as busy as she used to be). I did not know how to cook rice, I had everything prepared. There was one thing I had to do it on my own; school. Back then, I had to do my home-works on my own. My dad would only help me if it required certain items or when sharp objects involved. It also shaped me to be the person I am now, I will try to do anything and everything on my own before seeking help from others. There are the good and the bad side too being raised this way. Despite being independent in a way, I find it hard to seek for help even when I am in dire need for.
My parents gave me responsibilities on my study without putting on any pressure on other things, which was quite different to how my elder brother and sister were raised. As I grew older, I had my first nephew when I was 17. I technically involved in raising him since I often took him to university when he had no one to baby sit. When he was 4 or 5, I prepared for my final assignment as a 4th year Literature student. I had many short classes that allowed me to take my nephew to university. I often left him at our Research Centre for a short period of time since I needed to go back and forth between our Research Centre and Head of Department’s room. My elder sister and my in-law were busy working and they had to leave my nephew with me. I kind of acted as a “mother” instead of an aunty. When I graduated and worked, he had to be left at day care. He grew up as a soft boy yet very tough for his age. He never complained when any of us came late to pick him up from day care; he stayed at home on his own and he also had to take care of his baby brother when he was 5.
The boys when they were 3 years old and 1.5 years old.
When I had my nieces, things turned significantly different. They were raised in a similar situation where their parents had to work and they left with a nanny. However, they had more people to look after them who pampered them to the max, this was the power of grandma and grandpa. They were never complained to be left home with a nanny or some other times with their grandparents from their mother-side (rarely with my mum because mum spent her time at the village). My elder brother was another example of tough love parent while my sister in-law and I were the ultimate example of strawberry generations parents. Personally, it’s hard for me to see them struggling with home-works and instantly lent them helping hands to ease them. This is the main reason of heated arguments between Paul and me in terms of lending helping hands to the boys. For instance, we went out to Macquarie Centre to get our kitchen supplies. On our way to the Asian supermarket, we stopped at a game centre to let the boys play for a bit. They were 3.5 and 2 that time. If it was only me, I would spend a couple of $$ at the game centre but their dad taught me that we didn’t need to spend a penny because the boys didn’t know how to play nd they were happy just by running around the area. The younger one fell when he tried to chase his elder brother, I came running with intention to pick him off the ground but their dad stopped me. I hesitated and then he said, “Don’t worry too much. We just need to make sure they are safe but we don’t need to get anxious when we know they’re fine”. So I stood there. Our baby boy stood up on his own, came to us showing his dirty hands. The dad wiped his hands clean when the mum tried to keep calm and collected.
We were still at the game centre, we had another half and hour before we had to go shopping. Our baby boy wanted to drink from his water bottle, but he accidently let go his water bottle and it hit the ground rolling away from him. Instinctively, I got his water bottle and gave it to him. Their dad saw me handing over his water bottle and another lecture began right away. He said that I did not need to get his water bottle because our baby could do that on his own, plus it was in a safe area where it was feasible for our boys to get it on their own. I had to learn to let them to be more independent without being neglecting their needs. I told him that it’s hard for me to do that and it was natural for me to move and help them; in a way I was raised in a tougher way and I did not want for my children to experience any hardships. If I could help, I would go all out. Then he added that he understood the way I acted was how most of Asian parents reacted when it came to their children. However, we needed to learn to let them grow and experience life; we shouldn’t keep feeding them because when we did they would never learnt responsibilities and they would grow up weak and easy had no survival skills; not even for the most basic skills. I stood still, my logic told me what their dad told me was true but my weak heart screamed I should never do that. I put my heart aside, let my logic came up front.
I still experience this anxiety whenever I see our children (including my nieces) struggle to work on their home-works. I want to help them so they feel be at ease. I need to remind myself that there are things that they need to work on their own and there are things that they need us to assist. Knowing how I am, it will be a hell of a ride for me. I have seen how our boys are more independent at school now. They are 7 and 5.5 and they are doing alright. Although at certain points, I feel that they listen to their teachers more than us. LOL… that’s how it is. I listened to my teacher more than to my parents too. Oh well, their grandparents spoil them a bit too much, another challenging on our assertive parenting journey for the two of us. I hope we will be able to raise them well. Be a loving, gentle, and responsible men.
Yellow! I hope you are safe and sound; and we’re sending our prayers to our brothers and sisters in Turkey as well as in Syria. I can’t read the news as it breaks my heart. In Bali, we experienced two mild earthquakes recently that left me nauseous for a couple of days from the aftershock. As we live in Indonesia surrounded by the ring of fire, earthquake and mount eruption are two common events, yet we never feel at ease whenever it happens. No one will ever be ready. Also, it reminds me of the earthquake (and tsunami) that struck Aceh (Indonesia) on 26 December 2004. I was in my first year of university. I don’t have a vivid memory of the event; however, I remember the painful feeling when I learnt the news. I do have a vivid memory of Japan tsunami which was happened on 11 March 2011. I was brushing my hair in front of our TV, CNN was in the background, getting ready to leave our flat as I needed to catch U-Bahn to Messe Berlin. First, I thought it was a scene of a movie, but, then the more I listened I froze. It took me a few seconds before I called my colleague. We had two appointments with Japanese partners on that day. I was extremely sad I could not cry. I believe it is also a devastating period for our brothers and sisters in Turkey and Syria. I, personally, can’t do anything but pray for them. (As I am writing this post, I found out one more Indonesian was identified as one of the victims as confirmed by the Indonesian Embassy in Ankara. She was found under the ruin of building with her baby T_T).
Milk tea is ready. Serve it hot or over ice.
I’ve taken a few breath to calm myself down. So, I have been planning to share another recipe just because I want to keep it as my own journal (you are welcome to copy and get inspired too). For years, I have been a huge fan of Taiwanese Milk Tea. The first time I tasted it when I visited my cousin when she was in town (she was a stewardess, I rarely saw her after she graduated university and moved in to Singapore. Plus, age gap is huge; we are 10 years apart). She took me out for a “weekend date”. She took me mall hopping, got me several dresses and a couple of shoes, ate delicious foods (I ate them, she was on a very strict diet. Hmm…) and then, as we were waiting for her high school friends (who happened on a business trip to Singapore) she took me to a small Milk Tea shop (that I can’t remember its name). Because it was my first milk tea, I went for a classic milk tea. The first sip blew my mind, I felt like I had just find a whole new world. I fell in love to milk tea and still fall in love the same way. The reason why I have been a loyal customer to Chatime (hahaha…) and always go for the classic milk tea over other flavours (TMI: my beloved man, Paul, doesn’t like the idea of spending A$ 5 (or more) for a cup of milk tea. But he still treats me whenever I sulk).
Local black tea leaves
I can understand why he “doesn’t want” to spend his money on milk tea, I can get a filling lunch for A$ 5 and also, the fact that he is an Australian born Chinese he knew well how much milk tea costs per cup. He used to get it whenever he returned to Taipei on holidays. Let’s leave NSW aside… It’s different when I am in Bali, a regular cup of milk tea with toppings cost me A$ 3 per cup. I used to get it once a week when I was working in the city (it was a stone away from our old office). However, as my nieces are growing up and they have started to learn their way; they often ask me for milk tea. One milk tea for A$ 3 is no big deal, but two big cups once a week… hmm… one big cup with one topping costs me about A$ 3.5, they usually want to have two or three toppings which will make it about A$ 4.00 per cup, hmm… NO! I have to find a way to satisfy their craving (and my craving) for milk tea. Therefore, I searched and experimented with different recipes until I finally have the current recipe. In a way, I love my home-made milk tea more than the store bought simply because I know what ingredients I put into my mixture. The best thing is it only requires 4 ingredients to get the copy of store bought milk tea; tea leaves, non-dairy creamer, sugar and water.
To accelerate the process, I use reusable tea bag. I am too lazy to strain those loose leaves.
On the recipe I am sharing today, I made a small batch of tea to serve to my nieces’ friends when they had a couple of friends came over for their school assignments. I intentionally made it less sweet but for commercial use, I’ll add more sugar (I sell bottled milk tea and café mocha… Hehehe…).
Pour in non-dairy creamer and sugar into hot tea mixture. Stir well until completely dissolve.
Oh, I initially used condensed milk and fresh milk or palm sugar and some other times I like to use god quality rock sugar to sweeten the milk tea; however, my nieces said they prefer it with white sugar. In case any of you would like to skip sugar, you may substitute it with a mixture of condense milk and fresh/full cream milk. Every 150ml of milk tea mix with 30 ml of milk syrup (mix 10ml condense milk and 20ml fresh milk or 15ml condense milk + 15ml fresh milk for sweeter syrup). My nieces prefer it cold without ice, so I have to make it way in advance to allow me enough time to get it cold. For toppings they do not have any preference, most of the time they love it with grass jelly (or pudding and bobba pearls for store bought one). I also use local tea leaves (not the premium tea leaves which I LOVE so much. I prefer to cold brew my premium tea leaves and I only need to make small batches just because I am the only one who love cold brew tea. Psst… I learnt recently that French Earl Grey tastes so good when cold brewed.
Yellow peeps, how’s your day so far? Another weekend is days away, let’s recharge our body and mind this weekdays to get ready for weekend (no, I am not joking. I used to think weekend was the right time to recharge but I got so damn tired during the weekdays; however, when I recharge myself on the weekdays through creative works and be productive, I enjoy my weekend much better. Make sense? Hope it is. Hehehe…)
I start my morning with routines (I do skip my routines from time to time due to certain circumstances). I drink my warm water (sometimes it’s considered hot), then I take my vitamin C or I glass of mixture of apple cider vinegar (1 tbsp apple cider vinegar : 100 ml warm water). Move to light breakfast before I hit my mat for a yoga session (I could not do it for over 3 months due to the accident, I am hitting my mat again for the past 2 months but I still need to heavily modify many poses). For light breakfast I often have a piece of bread or I will go without. After my yoga session, that will be the real breakfast for me. When I manage to have a big breakfast, I would go for it; then I will eat less at lunch time. Ah, anyway… A couple of days ago I wanted to have potato pancake for breakfast (with some pork and sautéed mushrooms); however, I changed my mind half way preparing my ingredients. It was not the first time I did it, hohoho… Instead of making a potato pancake, I decided to make something else… errr… I called it potato crepes.
I got the idea from Chinese crepes or familiarly known as 煎饼 （ jiānbǐng). It is a traditional Chinese street food and is generally eaten for breakfast. As far as I understand, jiānbǐng can be topped with wide variety of toppings, adjusted to our personal preference. When I make mine, I normally topped it with lettuce, bean sprouts, sausage or ham or fried bacon, soft scrambled eggs, then chili sauce and mayonnaise; eat it while it is warm! That’s one beautiful breakfast.
Since I am too lazy to mix the batter for jiānbǐng, I choose to use rice paper; therefore I can’t really call it jiānbǐng for that reason. My niece (my no-longer-baby-niece), she loves it with extra cheese, chopped fresh chili and deep fried enoki mushroom (which I need to coat in starch and fry it in advance), meanwhile for the other toppings she doesn’t really have any preference as long as she gets her enoki mushrooms. I also like to serve it with black vinegar dipping sauce for its tangy taste, perfect for greasy fried foods.
Then, about this potato crepes; I did not have any toppings as I ate it with my mum’s Balinese pork jerky (not your typical pork jerky, since it is sliced thickly with some complete Balinese spice paste. I really want to share the recipe but I know nothing about it. I think I need to ask my mum). Here we go, my version of Potato Crepes. ..
So, peeled and washed my potato. I used cheese grater to grate it and garlic. I combined seasoning and other ingredients in a bowl. Once it was well combined, I brushed oil on my pan and rice paper evenly. At this stage, I had not turn my stove on.
Once it was coated, I spread my potato mixture on top of the rice paper. Spread it thinly and evenly. I turned the heat on, cooked it over medium-low heat. In order to get my mixture cooked evenly, I closed the lid. Let it cooked for 3-4 minutes before flipping the other side.
I flipped my crepes, waited another 3-4 minutes.
Since I like it a bit crispy, I flipped it one more time and cooked it over medium-high heat for one minute. Folded it half, turned off the heat.
Basically we can enjoy it any way we like. This time around, I chose to cut it into bite size. My after yoga meal was ready to serve with pork jerky and my favourite sauce mixture. Any sauce will do, from hot sauce to tomato ketchup. Obviously I preferred my tangy sauce; a mixture of black vinegar, sesame oil, light soy sauce, a pinch of sugar and roasted white sesame seeds. Ta-da!!!
Psst. I have had this crepes for 2 days. I need to think of other simple breakfast ideas. Hmm… Let’s think!
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