And there is our older brother, the eldest and the wisest amongst us three. I am grateful that he’s the eldest despite his imperfection as a human being; he’s the most loving brother one’s could ever wished for. He’s a father figure for me. I tend to be attracted to a guy who has similar treats to my brother. He’s smart (the smartest I have to say), supportive, and unbiased. I seek for his advices whenever I need to make big decisions. I had been hurt by my brother too. It was on his early marriage to my sister-in-law; I was jealous so was her. We wanted to have a drop more of attention but we failed to understand that we were loved and is always loved. My relationship with my sister-in-law had a rocky start; we fought a lot but it’s truly water under the bridge now. We have learnt our way to love and to respect each other.
Then, what about my depression? Again, I don’t know what’s the root of my issue. What I know for certain is that every argument I have with my mother or my sister becomes one of the triggers of my relapse. I don’t meet my sister that often which save us from pointless and hurtful arguments. But my mother is a completely different story. I love my mother, she loves me – I believe, but our arguments can turn our mood sour and my messy head will whisper all those negative lines about my existence.
I experienced a relapse too after my break-up but it didn’t make me think of completely erasing my existence. Well, I did want to runaway but not dead. One of the worst relapses was in 2021. I needed to consult a psychologist after an argument with my mother. I don’t blame others for whatever happen in my life. It’s all in me, in my head. There is a dangerous spot in my head that will feed me all negativities. That’s why I need to keep my head in check. I can’t stay idle for too long because every conversation I have in that “spot” will drive my insane. Once I shut down, I need a vast amount of energy to get my will to crawl back up and stand up. Back then, my youngest niece was my driving force who kept me will of fire burning brightly. I wouldn’t be able to get back in my feet without her touching my soul, deeply.
Then, another relapse when I had an accident that broke my left leg. Yep, I went through surgery in June 2022 and I had to stay at hospital for 6 days. If I could get my surgery right-away I probably would stay shorter, but I had to receive blood transfusion prior my surgery to level my hemoglobin counts (it’s harder when I suffer from hemolytic anemia). The first couple of months were hell as I had to depend on others for anything and everything. I made me feel useless and unworthy. I knew it was something I had no control over, however, accepting and moving on with it has always been hard. I cried a lot and biter most of the day. Only on the 4th month I began to be able to move more as I became more confident using my crutch to move around, I began a simple and gentle yoga routine that I did on bed accompanied by a 5 minutes meditation to calm my mind. Then, I started new crochet projects to keep me occupied for the rest of the day. I did write but mostly about how bitter I felt and how hard it was accepting it with an open heart. The good thig I could see from this unfortunate event is that I finished different crochet projects. Have I promised that I’ll show you a few? Uhm… I’ll share a bit. Hehehe…
So, what do I do to feel grounded and calm?? For the past 5-6 years I have been learning to ground my inner demon. My break-up was the main reason why I decided to get back into Tai Chi and Yoga. Yoga is not new for me, being born and raised in Bali surrounded by rich culture and traditions; yoga has become part of our way of life. I am not only talking yoga as in Yoga Asanas which is part of Raja Yoga, because what we call yoga in Bali and Hinduism is more than just breathing technique and body movements. In Bali, we do Bhakti Yoga – a loving devotion towards personal deity – through daily offerings and festivals offers to the Almighty God, gods and deities as well as our ancestors; then we have Karma Yoga – literally means yoga of actions which teaches us every action has its consequences, I believe the term “Karma is a bitch” is familiar for many; then Balinese through our high priests share their wisdoms to educate us on Jnana Yoga, Jnana means knowledge or wisdom; some also practice Tantra Yoga – it explores all aspects, sensations, and energies that weave through the body and mind. Although Raja Yoga is more well-known and widely accepted, it does not make other branches of yoga less important for us.
Seven years ago, I felt I need to find something that help me grounded. My pain, my tears and those hurtful memories should never bring me down. I have made times to treat myself; to give a little bit more love because I deserve it. I am learning to acknowledge my weaknesses, to accept criticism, and to stop blaming myself for every unfortunate event. I dedicate a portion of my time, usually first thing in the morning or anytime of the day when I have my plate full, to mediate and to do yoga asana. I need a dash of positivity to start my day. It’s been a hell of a journey. There are times that the gravity pulling me down so hard I almost given up. I want to set my self free of this mess. In order to keep those negative thoughts away, I need to move and to stay active. Keeping my brain active through various activities help me to stay sane. I want to stay alive not because I have two boys that I need to see them growing up, my teen nieces and also teen nephews I still want to see them walking their life or I want to be there when they need any of us; but because deep down my heart I want to do many things. I may fall every now and then, but I will pick myself up and walk again.
I have learnt a lot but I am still failing to seal my demon away. I am allowed to slow down; I am loved and I am enough. I am grateful for every little step I accomplished and for the love I receive.
***I am still curious, though, to find out why I have such a difficult relationship with my mother. I envy my friends who have best friend-like relationship that they can share stories as well as accommodating.***
xNx
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