Yellow, how are you? I hope you have spent precious moments with your beloved. I am doing alright, I have struggled to control things that actually beyond my control; however, I refuse to acknowledge it just because I want to have control over my life. It sounds depressing but believe me, when we have some trust issues, betrayal, painful past that you’d think you’d better die than living every beat breathing the same air, and having a control freak parent; it corrupts our soul. Without realising it, we dream to take over our body, our life. Then once we have got that chance, we’d refuse to bargain. I found my freedom in a brutal way, brutal to my standard, and I have to admit that there’s a high price I had to pay for. I don’t regret my past, some people might say that I don’t have remorse or shame or anything. But, regrets and remorse don’t work for our present and future. We are who we are now because of our past. What I want to do is doing better and be my better wiser self in the present for a better future.
An old friend of mine came to see me. We hadn’t met for quite sometimes since we live in different city and also life happened. We just didn’t have time to meet up although we sent short messages every now and then. Long story short, she came to see me when she was in my city. We decided to have light lunch and stayed for tea time and probably early dinner, it depended on how our conversation went on. Long before I was in a very abusive relationship, nobody knew until I decided to flee and hide. My friends were so angrgy and disappointed in me that I kept that a secret. What option did I have back then when I was in constant fear, constantly threaten to, but there were days when he was 180 degrees different as he wanted to appease me to keep me under control. Oh boy, I didn’t know I was dating a narcissist.
My friends saw some bruises on my body, they found it weird but couldn’t dig for more as I kept raising my wall up in self defense. I didn’t want them to find out how miserable my life was. I worked and I had pay for everything, because my ex that time didn’t have a regular job but he wanted to live like a boss. So yes, I didn’t want them to find out why I couldn’t afford to get myself a decent place or why I constantly ran out of money. I chose that life and when I found out I just couldn’t get out easily. Probably if I have just abit more stronger personality, I would never had to endure that kind of life. It’s purely my stupidity.
Then, I finally able to build a new life away from my abusive narcissist ex. It took me months before I could go out to crowded places like a mall and for years I have avoided an area where he used to spend his time. I only agree to come to that particular area when I have company with me, I won’t go there on my own like I used to. During the transition, I got back to work again in different company doing the same thing, I’ve always been an event planner, that I genuinely enjoy. Slowly I rebuilt my life, the fear was still there. Hence, this old friend of mine usually picked me up after work and drove me home. She felt guilty to not knowing my issues even though we spent a lot of time together, we even worked for the same company at one point, and honestly I had to keep telling her that I chose not to tell anyone so it’s not her fault for not knowing.
This transition period, I met a senior in event management. I knew him from previous projects when I was working for a different company. There are only a few event management companies in the island, at one point we’d meet these people over and over again because the island is that small. I still meet the same people on different events, they have moved from one company to another but they are there, we know. So, we were working on a tourism promotion project for an island in the eatern part of Indonesia. The island has its perfect picturesque, still untouched from human and modernisation. Clear blue water, soft white sandy beach, interesting local cuisine that weirdly appetizing. As the project was going on for a few months (nearly a year) – until I decided to step out of the project due to principal differences with other team members – I spent more times with this senior. We had coffee or went for lunch to my favourite places. As we often spent time together, we got closer – we shared stories, jokes, I told him about my healing process. He seemed kind and loving, I agreed on dating him.
We were together for about 10 months, but halfway through I began to realise that I met another useless man who needed constant validation. He refused to accept my advise when I told him to work for a company that previously partnered him for different events. He said he didn’t want to work for the company because he would get less percentage than being a partner. He received a 20-25% cut for being a partner but only received regular salary and a little bonus instead if he worked for them. The cycle repeated, as the money getting less and less (he received nearly $50K cut from 2 events and he spent it like water, it didn’t last a year), we eventually depended on my salary and my side hustle (I’d managed my team of interpreter for sometime at this stage, we got plenty of projects and the cut was sufficiently good) to go by.
We went through a lot, his sisters had to help us a few times since we couldn’t afford the basic needs. I hadn’t receive my salary, no side hustle, and he kept refusing the idea working for other companies. Our differences started to show, me being realistic was a huge blow to his ego. He kept degrading me as a person and as a woman for speaking my thoughts up. He told me that I was so rude none of his friends liked me. I felt humiliated at that time, I told him that it’s not wrong to be selfish an put our needs first. Helping others was a noble thing to do but never ever did it when we lived hand to mouth. We didn’t have any to spare but he wanted to appear generous and noble in front of people to feed his ego. Little did he know, those people who he called friends were so nice and kind to him because he had money to spend on them. He threw money like no tomorrow and then those people left when the money was gone. But that time, he didn’t want acknowledge it. He kept saying that I was too selfish, I had to spend more times with other people so I would have enough emphaty for others. My God, I turned into that stingy mode because we were in a pinch. I had to keep racking my brain to cover our basic needs and he wanted me to be generous to others by throwing out some cash to the people who didn’t even give a f*** to my situation? I had to be more understanding?! Oh please…
We fought more often. The same old problems without any concrete solutions. But I was the same stupid person I once was, just a bit stingy this time, as I tried to be more tolerant (what a mistake!!!); covering for him on what does he do for living type of questions because he did not work a regular job and there was no event he was working on; if he had at least one that actually paying to cover his expenses I would never complain. Then, one of his old friends introduced him to a woman and her client who was looking for a person or a management company to manage a restaurant this client was about to open. When he told me, I genuinely happy for him. He would be able to assist this client, that’s his expertise. He spent hours and hours on meetings with this client and the woman/broaker, I missed the signs that he had change until it was too late.
He hooked up with that woman, there was no project to work on. But how did I eventually find out? Oh, I used to cry whenever I remembered this particular moment, but not again. HAHAHA… I could laught it out after months of healing journey, from therapy to solo travel that opened my eyes up. Basically, one day I visited his place after work (like I used to do); I noticed there was fresh ingredients I did not buy when we went grocery shopping was there in the fridge. There was a box of spaghetti I never cooked because I am not a fan of pasta. I questioned him if he went shopping again without me, his response should had tell me there’s something off; but I chose to trust him. Another day, I went to his place again to get changed and showered a bit as I would go out with my friend (this old friend of mine) to have a farewell dinner before she moved to different city. I saw face a foreign lipstick on the vanity. I took a deep breath since I did not want to start unnecessary arguments with him, especially not before my friend’s farewell dinner. My initiative was contacted his sister who came the week before and stayed at his place although I highly doubt her using that brand and that whore colour, I still wanted to maintain a positive thought. The second one, I called my friend if she left her lipstick at his place since I remember I saw her had similar colour with the same brand that I told her whe looked like a cheap wh*re wearing that colour. HAHAHA… She was furious but she never used that same colour ever again. Both my friend and his sister told me NO, so I had to ask him. Would you like to know what his answer was?! In high pitch (as he was angry) he said, “Do you think I am such a freak that I wear some lipstick?! Why would you ask me when you’re the one who love wearing lipstick?!”. And he said some horrible things along the line, I could only replied that I do like my lipstick but I would never use that kind of cheap fuschia shade plus I never use that one brand. He went silent. I have issues with lipsticks, I tried different brands from drug store brands to higher end brands as I always have dry and chapped lips. Ever since I found Mac Lipstick works well on me, I don’t dare to try on different brands although I’d love to buy drugstore lipsticks for they are more affordable.
We had a huge fight a few days after that farewell dinner. I smashed that lipstick and threw his phone to his face (fortunately it didn’t hit his face, or I’d be accused for domestic violence). I never curious about his phone, but for once I asked him to unlock his phone and I read every single text message he and that women had exhanged for the past couple of weeks. Mind you, they only knew each other for less than a month (3 weeks at best). What surprised me was the way their conversation went on, it’s not a regular friends or an acquaintance. I never send my selfie to an acquaintance or a guy friend no matter how close I have been with my guy friends. That’s not normal. Why would I seek opinion from a guy friend for my hair cut?! That’s absolutely never happen. No matter how close you are with your guy friends, you just don’t do that; not when you know this guy friend has had a girlfriend, a partner or a wife already. You need to understand your boundary.
Then all hell break loose. He told me my flaws and told me how great of a woman that woman was. She supported his ideas, his generous hearts and willing to help him out. His friends praised her a lot for her kindess, not like me – so unfriendly, rude and basically I was the evil one. She worked so hard but she didn’t mind to clean his house, hold on – were you looking for a maid or a spouse?? I never clean his house, not on a daily basis, because that’s his reponsibility. I’d only help when I could, it’s not my problem when I didn’t even live there. It would be a totally different story if we were together, or already started a family, then naturally it would be part of my responsibilities. He took me as a joke, I failed to realise that he had this tendency to find comfort in another woman whenever his ego got wounded by his existing partner.
Long story short, I was dumped. They got married because she got pregnant. And this was part of the story my friend had no clue about. She thought I broke up with him because I just wanted to be alone or something. In her eyes, this ex of mine was a very gentle and attentive person who treated me like a princess. Oh yeah, he was like that before I trampled on his ego for speaking up. Although it was years ago, she could not believe how despicable he was. She found of the break up after nearly a year later and only recently she learnt about the real reason why we broke up. I still maitain a good relationship with his sister, because for me there is no issue between me and his sister. But, I did (still do) block all contacts with him. When an ex-colleague told me that he’d about to get a divorce, I felt so wrong to laugh at that yet at the same time, I told myself that it’s alright to laugh about it after all the tears and the open wounds I had. He made me more grateful for the fact that I dodge a bullet, I saved my life big time for breaking up with him. A couple of friends still bitter about it, for them he was the perfect person who would love me the way I deserved it. Once they found out about the wedding and the story behind it, they have this deep disappointment. At one period they were disappointed I only told them months later and at another period they had a huge respect toward him. I thought naturally they would feel resentment and disappointment toward a person who we respected a lot for his wisdom and maturity but that same person was just another human who happened to not walk the talk.
We are good. She would visit again soon for another business trip and maybe we’ll spend sometime together again. We both are on a continuous process of learning to navigate our life for a better version of our life. Forgiving ourselves have been a huge part of the process. It’s not easy yet it’s possible. Forgiving ourselves is accepting the way we are; we do not try to erase our past. Once again, our past is part f our fe that shape who we are now. I am still struggling to find my success in life, I am still lost and fighting to find my way back. Probably I am one of those people who are finding my happiness and success later in life. One thing for certain, I am grateful for every expensive life lesson that I have paid with my time; I am grateful to have Paul and our boys in my life with every flaw we have.
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