Yellow! I hope you are safe and sound; and we’re sending our prayers to our brothers and sisters in Turkey as well as in Syria. I can’t read the news as it breaks my heart. In Bali, we experienced two mild earthquakes recently that left me nauseous for a couple of days from the aftershock. As we live in Indonesia surrounded by the ring of fire, earthquake and mount eruption are two common events, yet we never feel at ease whenever it happens. No one will ever be ready. Also, it reminds me of the earthquake (and tsunami) that struck Aceh (Indonesia) on 26 December 2004. I was in my first year of university. I don’t have a vivid memory of the event; however, I remember the painful feeling when I learnt the news. I do have a vivid memory of Japan tsunami which was happened on 11 March 2011. I was brushing my hair in front of our TV, CNN was in the background, getting ready to leave our flat as I needed to catch U-Bahn to Messe Berlin. First, I thought it was a scene of a movie, but, then the more I listened I froze. It took me a few seconds before I called my colleague. We had two appointments with Japanese partners on that day. I was extremely sad I could not cry. I believe it is also a devastating period for our brothers and sisters in Turkey and Syria. I, personally, can’t do anything but pray for them. (As I am writing this post, I found out one more Indonesian was identified as one of the victims as confirmed by the Indonesian Embassy in Ankara. She was found under the ruin of building with her baby T_T).
Milk tea is ready. Serve it hot or over ice.
I’ve taken a few breath to calm myself down. So, I have been planning to share another recipe just because I want to keep it as my own journal (you are welcome to copy and get inspired too). For years, I have been a huge fan of Taiwanese Milk Tea. The first time I tasted it when I visited my cousin when she was in town (she was a stewardess, I rarely saw her after she graduated university and moved in to Singapore. Plus, age gap is huge; we are 10 years apart). She took me out for a “weekend date”. She took me mall hopping, got me several dresses and a couple of shoes, ate delicious foods (I ate them, she was on a very strict diet. Hmm…) and then, as we were waiting for her high school friends (who happened on a business trip to Singapore) she took me to a small Milk Tea shop (that I can’t remember its name). Because it was my first milk tea, I went for a classic milk tea. The first sip blew my mind, I felt like I had just find a whole new world. I fell in love to milk tea and still fall in love the same way. The reason why I have been a loyal customer to Chatime (hahaha…) and always go for the classic milk tea over other flavours (TMI: my beloved man, Paul, doesn’t like the idea of spending A$ 5 (or more) for a cup of milk tea. But he still treats me whenever I sulk).
Local black tea leaves
I can understand why he “doesn’t want” to spend his money on milk tea, I can get a filling lunch for A$ 5 and also, the fact that he is an Australian born Chinese he knew well how much milk tea costs per cup. He used to get it whenever he returned to Taipei on holidays. Let’s leave NSW aside… It’s different when I am in Bali, a regular cup of milk tea with toppings cost me A$ 3 per cup. I used to get it once a week when I was working in the city (it was a stone away from our old office). However, as my nieces are growing up and they have started to learn their way; they often ask me for milk tea. One milk tea for A$ 3 is no big deal, but two big cups once a week… hmm… one big cup with one topping costs me about A$ 3.5, they usually want to have two or three toppings which will make it about A$ 4.00 per cup, hmm… NO! I have to find a way to satisfy their craving (and my craving) for milk tea. Therefore, I searched and experimented with different recipes until I finally have the current recipe. In a way, I love my home-made milk tea more than the store bought simply because I know what ingredients I put into my mixture. The best thing is it only requires 4 ingredients to get the copy of store bought milk tea; tea leaves, non-dairy creamer, sugar and water.
To accelerate the process, I use reusable tea bag. I am too lazy to strain those loose leaves.
On the recipe I am sharing today, I made a small batch of tea to serve to my nieces’ friends when they had a couple of friends came over for their school assignments. I intentionally made it less sweet but for commercial use, I’ll add more sugar (I sell bottled milk tea and café mocha… Hehehe…).
Pour in non-dairy creamer and sugar into hot tea mixture. Stir well until completely dissolve.
Oh, I initially used condensed milk and fresh milk or palm sugar and some other times I like to use god quality rock sugar to sweeten the milk tea; however, my nieces said they prefer it with white sugar. In case any of you would like to skip sugar, you may substitute it with a mixture of condense milk and fresh/full cream milk. Every 150ml of milk tea mix with 30 ml of milk syrup (mix 10ml condense milk and 20ml fresh milk or 15ml condense milk + 15ml fresh milk for sweeter syrup). My nieces prefer it cold without ice, so I have to make it way in advance to allow me enough time to get it cold. For toppings they do not have any preference, most of the time they love it with grass jelly (or pudding and bobba pearls for store bought one). I also use local tea leaves (not the premium tea leaves which I LOVE so much. I prefer to cold brew my premium tea leaves and I only need to make small batches just because I am the only one who love cold brew tea. Psst… I learnt recently that French Earl Grey tastes so good when cold brewed.
Yellow peeps, how’s your day so far? Another weekend is days away, let’s recharge our body and mind this weekdays to get ready for weekend (no, I am not joking. I used to think weekend was the right time to recharge but I got so damn tired during the weekdays; however, when I recharge myself on the weekdays through creative works and be productive, I enjoy my weekend much better. Make sense? Hope it is. Hehehe…)
I start my morning with routines (I do skip my routines from time to time due to certain circumstances). I drink my warm water (sometimes it’s considered hot), then I take my vitamin C or I glass of mixture of apple cider vinegar (1 tbsp apple cider vinegar : 100 ml warm water). Move to light breakfast before I hit my mat for a yoga session (I could not do it for over 3 months due to the accident, I am hitting my mat again for the past 2 months but I still need to heavily modify many poses). For light breakfast I often have a piece of bread or I will go without. After my yoga session, that will be the real breakfast for me. When I manage to have a big breakfast, I would go for it; then I will eat less at lunch time. Ah, anyway… A couple of days ago I wanted to have potato pancake for breakfast (with some pork and sautéed mushrooms); however, I changed my mind half way preparing my ingredients. It was not the first time I did it, hohoho… Instead of making a potato pancake, I decided to make something else… errr… I called it potato crepes.
I got the idea from Chinese crepes or familiarly known as 煎饼 （ jiānbǐng). It is a traditional Chinese street food and is generally eaten for breakfast. As far as I understand, jiānbǐng can be topped with wide variety of toppings, adjusted to our personal preference. When I make mine, I normally topped it with lettuce, bean sprouts, sausage or ham or fried bacon, soft scrambled eggs, then chili sauce and mayonnaise; eat it while it is warm! That’s one beautiful breakfast.
Since I am too lazy to mix the batter for jiānbǐng, I choose to use rice paper; therefore I can’t really call it jiānbǐng for that reason. My niece (my no-longer-baby-niece), she loves it with extra cheese, chopped fresh chili and deep fried enoki mushroom (which I need to coat in starch and fry it in advance), meanwhile for the other toppings she doesn’t really have any preference as long as she gets her enoki mushrooms. I also like to serve it with black vinegar dipping sauce for its tangy taste, perfect for greasy fried foods.
Then, about this potato crepes; I did not have any toppings as I ate it with my mum’s Balinese pork jerky (not your typical pork jerky, since it is sliced thickly with some complete Balinese spice paste. I really want to share the recipe but I know nothing about it. I think I need to ask my mum). Here we go, my version of Potato Crepes. ..
So, peeled and washed my potato. I used cheese grater to grate it and garlic. I combined seasoning and other ingredients in a bowl. Once it was well combined, I brushed oil on my pan and rice paper evenly. At this stage, I had not turn my stove on.
Once it was coated, I spread my potato mixture on top of the rice paper. Spread it thinly and evenly. I turned the heat on, cooked it over medium-low heat. In order to get my mixture cooked evenly, I closed the lid. Let it cooked for 3-4 minutes before flipping the other side.
I flipped my crepes, waited another 3-4 minutes.
Since I like it a bit crispy, I flipped it one more time and cooked it over medium-high heat for one minute. Folded it half, turned off the heat.
Basically we can enjoy it any way we like. This time around, I chose to cut it into bite size. My after yoga meal was ready to serve with pork jerky and my favourite sauce mixture. Any sauce will do, from hot sauce to tomato ketchup. Obviously I preferred my tangy sauce; a mixture of black vinegar, sesame oil, light soy sauce, a pinch of sugar and roasted white sesame seeds. Ta-da!!!
Psst. I have had this crepes for 2 days. I need to think of other simple breakfast ideas. Hmm… Let’s think!
Let’s go back to my story, shall we. Things went downhill fast after Christmas. He met a woman, introduced by one of his friends for a business meeting. The scenario was this woman had an acquaintance who wanted to open a restaurant in Bali. He asked this woman help to introduce a management company to assist them with their opening and day to day operation. I was glad that he felt pump up as he found a potential client. By this time, the children were taken by their mother and moved to another city. I thought he would be able to focus on this as he worked on proposal without any distraction. At this stage, my life was already upside down. I did not perform well at work. I delegated most of my jobs to my team because I was mentally and physically unavailable for them. One of our interns had to fly along with one of my team members for an overseas event. I got a little pissed at that time, but I understood the consequence of my negligence. Our relationship had affected my job. At the end of the day, two events were screwed and I could not blame anybody but me. This was the result of my stupidity, putting his needs above and beyond. I had my lesson but still failed to sort my priority out.
So, he prepared proposals for this inquiry. He met these people a few times before I learnt that the owner decided to call it off. I did not know the full story, however if someone ask me now I am sure the reason was being the number was not great. Knowing his personality, he would not back down a bit. Experiences and his name were his bet; he felt he deserved high-paid job only. Well, nothing is wrong to put a price tag but we also need to be flexible. Anyway, it is just a humble opinion from someone who failed in her life multiple times. The business proposal did not work but his ‘friendship’ with this woman continued. I did not suspicious or anything at this stage. I saw everything from a professional point of view. It is very normal to maintain contact with our connections, be it new or old ones, we never know what opportunities they might bring us.
New year arrived; he lost his mother in mid-January that year. I stayed by his side most of the time despite I was not officially part of his family member yet. Things seemed okay on the surface. His father had become more welcoming and warmer to me, my family were still neutral. After the funeral, things turned sour. He acted differently and spent more times chatting with this woman. I gotten suspicious of their relationship but I had no proof until one day, when I was in his place after coming back from a business trip I saw a box of spaghettis in the fridge. I was never a fan of this particular pasta, therefore I never cooked any (unless somebody, like my nieces, asked me to). There were vegetables that I believed I never bought in the first place. I was a way for five days and we went grocery shopping before I left, so I knew very well what I bought. I did not want to blindly accuse him, hence I asked him if he went shopping without me. He was startled for a few second but he immediately regained his composure by diverting my question into another question. I stopped asking that day. I asked again the next day since I saw the same food container still sat in the fridge. He did not answer the second time I asked; the third time he lashed out at me. He said I was the one who bought groceries how the hell he would know what were or were not in the fridge. I told him I knew what was in the fridge that was why I asked if he went shopping without me knowing. I never bought lettuce, I never cooked spaghetti so it was obvious someone must bought it. This resulted in another long and tiring fight. I did not want to fight and he was still mourning for his mother, I left it there.
A few days later, I came to his place the way I normally did. I was a way for a wedding event which made me did not meet him for a couple of days. As I walked up to his room, I got myself change into a comfortable clothes. To my surprised, I found a pink-violet lipstick in the bathroom. I did not directly jump into a conclusion, so I checked on my bestfriend if she left her lipstick at his place. I remember she had one, but I was not sure if she still had it after I repeatedly told her she looked like a wh**e with that lipstick on. She said she threw it away after my ‘wh**e’ jokes. Scratched her name off the list. I scratched my name from the list too, because I would never use this kind of colour and obviously not that brand. I checked on her sisters, in case they left theirs even though I was so sure his sisters would not be wearing that colour nor the brand either; I still needed to check. They said NOPE. So, I called him. He was with his friends somewhere. He said he did not know, but I heard that hesitation was there. I was too angry to stay there, I decided to call my bestfriend for a walk.
I returned to his place about 8 in the evening. He was home. As I casually enter his place, I asked again about that lipstick. He mumbled that he had no idea what was I talking about. I walked up to his room, he followed me, I grabbed the lipstick and asked him again. He said why would he know about a freaking lipstick when I should be the one who had that. My anger built up but I tried to keep it under control. As I kept pressing about the subject, he mumbled a name. That was when I completely lost it. I questioned every single details about their relationship and the reason why would a lipstick was left in the most private part of his house. He kept defending himself that she was here waiting for her friends to go out and she asked his permission to use the bathroom. Why it had to be the bathroom in his room when there was a guest bathroom down stair?! One fact led me to find more fact about the spaghetti. It was her again. So, when I was away, she came over. I believed there must be more when I was away for business trip to Melbourne which happened later that month.
I asked for his phone, I never did it before. For me phone was off limit. No matter how close we were, we still had to respect each others’ privacy. We were still two different individuals. Since he was unprepared, he could not “doctor” his chats, so I found out that they exchanged more that just friendly messages. She sent him a selfie when she was doing her hair (seriously, what kind of friend would do that if they ‘re just friends?!). I had my guy friends too, I was so close to one of them we even went for a date night whenever he was in town; we dined out and street foods were always on our top list; however, we never shared intimate stuff, not a selfie to your guy friend obviously. I was livid I threw him his phone, lucky it did not hit him on the face.
Then, things got worse. My friends had no idea about it as they seen us as a perfectly matching couple. If only they knew, I wonder what would they do that time. LOL!!! Although we made up, upon my returned from my Melbourne trip I had to deal with more bullshits. He broke up with me (I refused at that time). We planned to have family meetings, as I was ready to arrange it, he decided we needed to postpone. He openly went out and spent more time with that woman. He refused to acknowledge my existence. It drove me insane, after all of my dedication he dumped me very easily for another woman. He divided his time, he spent a bit more time during the day with me too. In this case, I believed he wanted both. He enjoyed the feeling of being wanted while he also had another person as a back up plan.
He refused my accusation of him cheated on me regardless all the proofs I had found in his place. He even swore that he would never be with her for her shio (Chinese zodiac) and belief; when I asked him if he slept with her. At one point, after I almost lost my sanity, I decided to get all of my stuff back from his place. When I picked up my stuff, her presence was hard to unnoticed (I refused to give details. LOL). She became more snobbish by clutching his hand anytime and anywhere, but my colleagues and my friends were still unaware. I asked and begged him one last time to consider his decision, but he rejected me. He told me I was too demanding, too rude and unfriendly to his friends (who I thought many of them only befriended him because he was willing to go all out for them, he was being used and I did not like his friends for this. I was fine with a few others), hard to cooperate with (because I set a boundary and he disagreed), would never accept his family proven by my absence in his family dinners and many more flaws that I had. He praised that woman for lending a helping hand when there was no one to help him managing his place (like cleaning his house and ironing his clothes) because in his opinion I failed to do so (Oh, please! I had to work and managed his house at the same time when he did nothing, sure!). That woman was present on his family dinners with her initiative, while I was waiting to be invited just because I was not officially part of the family; he forgot that I was there in most importance events, dinner was a happy occasion and I was allowed to be absent. I was only his girlfriend. If I was his fiancée or his wife that would be a different story, then why would I come uninvited?! And, he said that woman was a single mother who worked hard for her two children and still managed to do house chores. (But later on, a little bird who was an old friend met that woman after that woman asked her for a meeting. She told me that woman was far from a hard working single mother because her children were under her ex-husband’s custody and he covered for everything. I never checked, I did not feel I needed to.)
Putting aside my dignity, I begged for 3 more months, after three months if he thought that he would not have a change of heart, I would agree to break up. But his answer was a pure slap in my face. I traded the last thing I had, my dignity, in order to save our relationship. That was a wake up call, prior our last meeting I determined that it would be the last time; if he refused, I had to move on with my life. I worked hard to get over it but it was extremely difficult, my old wound reopened and he sprinkled salt over it. I finally talked to my boss (now former boss), addressing my issue and my plan. I planned to resign and then moved to Hanoi – Vietnam for work or to Taipei to pursue my degree in language. It was suffocating to live in the same city, breathing the same air. My boss asked for reasonable reasons but I had none, my sole reason was to get away from him.
It was too painful when there was a woman who would nonchalantly appear at our office area just because that woman wanted to show off her new boyfriend that she “won” from me. Every single morning that woman would appear in our office’s canteen with her new boyfriend. Back then, he was “rich” after three events given by his ex-wife. Probably those events were her parting gift for their divorce and for her to be allowed to take their children. The last time we talked there were words I should never said but there were also words I wished I said. I told him they (he and that woman) meant to be together, a match made in hell because they were two bodies one evil mind. He said that I was scary knowing what I was capable of doing. He should thank my friends for stopping me shutting down his company’s website and his future. I was reminded by bunch of friends that no matter how evil someone toward us, we never starve them; believed in the karmic cycles, the faster we let go the faster our good karma works its magic. So, he had cash – profit from his events, his spending was beyond his normal. He spent like no tomorrow. That was why I had this opinion but I kept until recently. I told my “not so baby sister” a.k.a one of my closest friends that I had my suspicion on why that woman was so determined to get him. That woman saw a two storey house, a car and a fat wallet. I was convinced that she had no idea that big two storey house was a rented house; if she knew, she would reconsider her life choice. I kept my mouth shut until recently just because I got over it and I am no longer shedding my tears every time I talk about him. It is an old story and I am extremely grateful to dodge a bullet.
It was hard. Another hell of a journey. I pushed myself to concentrate on my jobs. There were one big event coming up and it was my responsibility. My boss told me, she needed me to stay until this event (about three months until the D-day); if I found that I could not cope with my issue, she would let me go pursuing whatever I thought would work. Therefore, I spent the first month working and sorting out the event, went out for a drink or two after works, went home, and repeat the same thing the next day. My best friends had no idea about it. She thought I was in another rebellion phase due to working under pressure. I am a social drinker, I drink on certain events; this time I drank a lot more in volume and in frequency. I still had not find my closure, therefore I had a relapse of my severe anxiety. I tried to meditate again that in fact helped me bit by bit.
In June, one month prior our overseas event, I finally got what I needed to prove my accusation. He was cheated on me way before I found out about that damn lipstick. (TMI. Thanks to that lipstick I had a deep personal grudge over one specific cosmetic brand. My closest friends always took a roundabout if they notice this specific brand on the shelf. Back then, I could flip a table over just because I saw the brand! Good thing is, it’s water under the bridge now.) Two weeks after they met, they started to go out behind my back. They went to different places for a date and all were posted on that woman’s social media. That woman approved my request (I believed she thought it would be him with another account. But wrong!!! That was an account I used to share travel info), therefore I gained access to her feeds. I saved those information, I screenshot everything as a hard evidence, those were my receipts to debunk his lies.
Hyde Park Sydney (source: City of Sydney)
I wrote a long message that I sent along with the proof I gathered. I suffered enough and I needed my closure. I should not had said that he go back on his words; I did say it because I was enraged and he in fact did go back on his words by dating that woman, something he said he would never ever. After I sent that long message, I deleted his contact; blocked him on social media. I still met him around, he frequently met my boss discussing “business”, and a day after my birthday he said he specially came to see me to wish me a happy birthday. He wanted to give me a warm hug which I refused. He was a nobody. We were not friends. People could say that I was rude but I was not bound to befriend someone. I was in my place and I had put him in his respected place.
I spent my first winter in Australia crying. I was still in disbelief that my effort was wasted, after I dedicated myself into this relationship. I regained my composure after I cried my eyes out on my flight from Perth to Melbourne. I talked my heart out in Sydney to a stranger I accidently met when I watched a street musician. He shared his experienced and gave me a meaningful advice – which actually I already heard from my close friends and seniors but I was too stubborn to listen. It was amazing to find how much I changed after that short trip. A two weeks trip and meeting some strangers helped me to shift my point of view. Instead of focusing on the agony, I should be focusing on the brighter side. I was blessed I found it out before we made our relationship a step further.
I stayed in the company, changed my planned to pursue a new career in Vietnam and locked my plan on pursuing a language degree in Taipei. I remembered what my boss’ partner told me, if I turned my back and ran away, I was delaying a problem to be solved. It was true when we ran away and started our life in a new place, we could leave our problems away; however, when we returned, we would be greeted by those delayed problems. Better got it solved and then started anew.
Months after my closure, my friends found out he married that woman (MBA) which raised many questions about my “existence”. My closest friends felt betrayed for several reasons; one because I said nothing even after months of breaking up, two they trusted him to be different but he was not, three one of my closest friends felt she was being conned because he was the one who advised her to dump her boyfriend after she caught him cheated on her. Well, I had my reasons. I needed to feel stronger as I had far worse experience than this, I did not want them to choose side; no matter what they were my friends and they were free to befriended anybody. The best part was that I was grateful to finally be able to move on, taking one step at a time.
I could not be more grateful than I already am. I dodged a bullet, I saved my arse from another misery that I dug in. Years later, I opened up to my “not so baby sister” about everything she was dying to know. I am glad to be here now with all the hardships I had experience. I don not mean to know, but there are people who are kind enough to share an update on his life because they are dying to tell me; because they somewhat felt disappointed to what he did. I can not say anything but be grateful for continuous blessings.
Yellow peeps, hopefully you had a great weekend and are having another great weekend in a couple of days. As I was making some space in my computer, I found a couple of interesting drama that I watched in 2022, particularly K-Drama (Korean Drama). I an not an avid K-Drama fan, but I do watch some dramas with interesting story lines.
I used to watched C-Drama and J-Drama only in my younger years. I have memorable C-Drama and J-Drama from my childhood and teen days that I re-watched recently. From the Ordinary People to Summer Vacation and Tokyo Love Story, Itazura na Kiss; The Legend of the Condor Heroes, The Return of the Condor Heroes, to Heavenly Sword and Dragon Slaying Sabre and some more that I could not recall at the moment. Those are old TV series that I watched in early 90s (some were made way before I was born. LOL). In early 2000s, I watched Meteor Garden (流星花园）which made me go crazy as it was better than I expected. It is adapted from the Japanese Manga – Hana Yori Dango (花より男子). If I remember correctly, K-Drama started to gain popularity in early 2000s; Autumn in My Heart was the first K-drama I watched which made me ugly crying. I still hate watching it just because I dislike “sad endings”. Then, I watched Full House – a romantic comedy drama.
Initially I did not focusing on certain genre; as I get older though, I am more interested in Historical drama, detective/mystery (no horror), thriller, crime fiction, action and comedy although there are also a couple of drama with heavy romance I enjoyed watching. I think I am more into Sherlock Holmes and The Good Doctor kind of series. Well Sherlock Holmes could be bias since I watched the series and I love Benedict Cumberbatch. You see, series like Grey’s Anatomy, Criminal Minds, and NOPD have their place is reserved in my top list.
In 2022, apparently there are 6 dramas I watched: The Ghost Doctor. Crazy Love, Again My Life, Tomorrow, 1 Dollar Lawyer and Under the Queen Umbrella.
The Ghost Doctor. Released on 3 January 2022 with 16 episodes. I do not follow certain accounts so I have no idea what drama nor films will be released. I occasionally surf the internet looking for old dramas and on the process I often found a new released drama that catch my interest; just like this one. I did not decide to watch the whole series at once glance. I watched its first episode and thought it would be interesting to watch and it was. I do not know much about medical terms nor medical procedures although I have a bit of experience translating medical journals. For me the story line was interesting packed with slice of life comedy. Most importantly, it is a happy ending drama. LOL. Will I recommend it? I definitely will!
Crazy Love. Released on 7 March 2022. The reason for me to watch this drama because of the actor, Kim Jae-wook. He stole my heart when he acted as a psychopath serial killer on Voice 1 (another highly recommended drama for those who love thriller, crime fiction). A rom-com drama, therefore I found there are parts of this drama made me cringe. The main character, the CEO of the company, is a tsundere who later fall head over heels to the female lead – his secretary turned fiancée. Another happy ending drama. Hehehe… I believe I do not think I need to recommend it, because many K-drama lovers who love this genre.
Again My Life. Released on 8 April 2022. Another drama I watched mainly because of the male lead, Lee Joon-gi, ever since I watched his acting on Scarlet Heart: Goryeo. I watched his other dramas which convinced me he has the skill! Psst! I regret watching Scarlet Heart for its sad-ending, but if I did not watch, I would never know his acting. LOL!!! By the way, Again My Life has an interesting storyline in the beginning of the story, but the ending got a “meh” from me due to its abrupt ending. Many believe there will be a second season which will get the story back to its right track. Hmm, I am a bit hesitant to recommend it. It was really good until it reached the climax, after that… “meh”.
Tomorrow. Released on 1 April 2022. I found the first two or three episodes a bit boring, but I kept watching it probably because it’s about “spirits”. In our belief, we believe in reincarnation and karma. Spirits of the dead will go to their respective “places” following their Karma (Karma, in our belief, means actions). Those who do good deeds will reap good karma which we may have the benefits of it in our current life or n our next life (reincarnation); it is not only about heaven and hell but it is deeper than that. So, back to this drama, it has a steady storyline with good climax and the transition to the anti-climax is beautifully executed. You should watch it.
1 Dollar Lawyer. Released on 23 September 2022. One more drama I watched for their male lead, Namgoong Min. I watched several dramas he acted on and I never disappointed in his acting. The first time I got hooked up to his acting after I watched Remember and also Fabrication (조작), I thought he’s really good. The more I watch his dramas the more I am convinced that he is a brilliant actor. He has different roles in different dramas, therefore I got really curious on his acting on this legal and comedy genre. As I suspected, his acting IS marvelous!!! I was a bit upset to the plot though but they gave a clean ending. The comedy part is hilarious!
The Queen’s Umbrella. Released on 15 October 2022. The main reason I watched this drama because of the needs to watch another drama after several cancellations on 1 Dollar Lawyer. With Joseon dynasty as the background of the story, of course it caught my interest after the first episode. An unordinary Queen with her unruly children; defending her position in order to protect her children and the whole kingdom. Well, it is about a woman who can be very soft and loving at one time but strong and fierce another time. The only weak point I found is that I could guess who would be the new crown prince. Definitely recommended. Kim Hye-soo’s acting as the queen IS superb, meanwhile the actor of the new crown prince received a very good critics on his acting too.
In 2023, I am watching Brain Works, now on episode 5 (currently airing 6 out of 16 episodes as per 27 January 2023). The story is about a brilliant neuroscientist who lack of empathy due to one circumstance he decided to work as a consultant for a new founded police department. So far, it has an interesting plot. I am intrigued to find out about Shin Ha-ru’s (the neuroscientist) past.
Also, I am catching up with The First Responders season 1. I did not have a chance to watch it last year or perhaps I forgot I have it on my hard drive?! Adrenaline rush with all the actions taken by detectives and fire fighters. Captivating story line for sure.
2023.03.03 I have finished watching The First Responder. I would like to watch season 2. No fix release date of season 2 yet, however it’s been said that mid of 2023 the season 2 will follow.
Oh yellow there, how’s life peeps? While writing on this post, I was thinking of my red envelop for the Lunar New Year. This time around, I would not be giving out any; but he (of course) would do on our behalf. LOL! The boys find the fun of receiving red envelops from their grand parents, uncles and aunties; I myself also find it amusing since I never celebrated the Lunar New Year at home. We do not need to but we, Balinese, celebrate Caka New Year instead.
I talked about how I was dating a narcissist, this time around, I would like to talk about another ex. A couple of years after I regained my ‘freedom’, I embraced a new relationship after being reluctant to start another one. This new guy, I knew him from work. He was a flourishing business man before we started dating and he was divorced with children. A fun fact, I loved his children way before we started dating because I met them frequently on different events, so our relationship got me closer to his children. It was all fun and game until it was not.
Before we started dating, I did not know the state of their relationship. I learnt that they had split up for a little over five years; being the children were staying with him while his former wife worked in different city. I knew the ex-wife as a charming and hard-working woman. But, the reason for them to split up was complicated. It was more than meet the eye. Later, I also learnt I could somewhat understand her decision to leave and to work in different city. In her absence, I spent a lot of time with the children. I was acting like a mother even though I fully understood that I would never take over their mother’s place; I never intended to. I thought that I had to fill the gap so these children would not feel incomplete because of the absence of a parent; it was very naïve of me to think that way. I also wished, if I would be their step-mother, they would maintain their relationship with their mother. She did a lot for the children and I believed (I do still believe) she loved her children that she would do anything and everything in her power to give the best for them.
This ex, he used to have his own company. A small – mid size company with huge potency to grow bigger. I knew some people who used to work for him, we met on different occasions or sometimes a joint events. I did not know how this promising company turned upside down though. In his defends, he tried to maximized its prospect but on the way he found out there were too many people who came or contacted him to taste the water only without any deals made; then he felt his effort gone to waste, so he decided to stay idle if the opportunity meant for him, it would land on his lap eventually.
Before we officially started, I worked for him at several events. The signs were there, but I was too hesitant to start over. After a few months though, we spent talking and sharing, I thought I was ready. It was moving so fast. I was in my late 20s and my bestfriend since high school broke the news that she was getting married. I was like… “What?! What am I going to do now?!”. I was perplexed by the news, so when he said that he wanted to meet my family I instantly thought, “It’s about time for me to start a new chapter”.
I dedicated a lot of time, energy and focus on this relationship. I considered my dedication would be a way to adjust our life together. Although I still had uncertainty of his character and habits, as the optimistic person that I am, I believed he would change. ‘Oh please, his wife decided to leave because he was never change! How innocent of you!!’. Seriously, I should had listen to my friends when they told me that he was a problematic man and he would never change. So off we were in highspeed train. In the beginning of our relationship he turned to be a mature person who supported me mentally and physically; the faster that we moved we shared our financial checks; he paid when he was up and high in beginning of our relationship because he earned a huge sum from his last project. It did not last long though.
Every morning, I would stop by his place to help him getting the children ready for school. After sending them off I would go to work. After work, I went to his place again to accompany the children and most of the times I prepared their dinner. I thought, we were on the same page as we worked as a team. Later, I met his parents and siblings who lived in different country. His eldest sibling looked like she was not very welcoming but later I learnt she needed times to warm up with new people. Her younger sibling, she was warm and welcoming since the first meeting that put me at ease. Probably we are a few years apart (we still communicate every now and then) that makes us more relatable in a way, we are Millennials. His parents did not say anything in particular, they were not overly warm but okay. His dad told him to sort his problems out first before moving on to a new chapter, which was fair.
I think it was on our 6th month, he met my parent and siblings. I could say they were not easily impressed but they acknowledged him as my boyfriend. I believe, back then they would not say anything about their disagreement knowing I got hurt easily. They decided to let it flow naturally. Day by day, he consumed more than 60% of my time and priority. I did not do well at work, since he hoovered me all the time. During that period, I began to notice that he needed to fix it. He had no income after his last project so he had to live from my salary and his sister’s or sometimes his father. I knew we would be in a great trouble if we did not solve this issue, so I asked him politely about considering to work with another company while expecting for more projects. He got offended. His ego of a company owner did not allow him to knock someone else’s door for a position. His pride wounded from my idea that got us into huge argument.
He told me once that he expected me to be a stay home wife, I would gladly fulfilled with conditions. During our fight, I stated that in order to allow me to be a full time house wife he was required to fulfilled his duties to his family before others. The rule was simple, earn for the family! Never expected me to work on my duties at home but I also had to work my arse off in order to serve some foods on the table. He could not accept it, he said I was too demanding. Other than this issue, I also had problem with his habits; smoking and playing games. It was never a problem if he understood his priorities. I expected him to wake up in the morning and be productive, but instead he spent hours playing online game while smoking a pack of cigarettes in one sitting. I ended up in another debt. Because I had to support him at the same time I had my own needs too. It was troublesome but I was too ashamed to talk about it to others.
I had unlimited stock of excuses for him. Whenever one of my colleagues asked me what his job was, I would say he had his own company or he was working on a project or he came after a meeting with a client. But I knew what my colleagues saw in him. I refused to acknowledge it. My close friends did not event know that we were facing financial issues that time. It was natural for me to shield the person I loved from malignant comments, since I believed he would change. I could go far and beyond to ensure that it would work somehow. I dedicated too much time, money and feeling (again). If it was an investment, I would had higher return by the end of our relationship.
By Christmas, his family invited me to spend Christmas together. Since I felt uncomfortable to be around his family members just yet, I asked two of my close friends to accompany me. His dad found one of my friends being cute and pretty just like his type in his younger years. We went to the church for Christmas Eve mass. His sister asked me if I planned to convert, I told her that I had it planned but I would need guidance and would only do it when we had definite date of our ‘plan’. She said it was understandable and their dad would expect me to convert anyway. I did plan to convert, in my view converting to another belief would never change who I was; since I believed (I believe) the roots of every religion teaches about universal love and kindness. If there were certain people who used religion to their advantages in a bad way, it was never the religion – it was the people. I need to emphasize this issue before I continue… People can have different opinions, I am not going to force my belief down one’s throat since that is not how it works. I respect different opinions, I respect what others choose to believe and I will expect the same from others.
Yellow peeps, how have you been? I am still trying to get myself to be less moody?! LOL… I mean, It has been hard for me to keep writing. Most of the times I feel too lazy to write but I have loads of things I need to unload. Then, there are times when I have nothing to write but the urge is there. What do I do? Therefore. when I have the feeling or the mood to write, I would spend hours to write, BUT I (normally) do not do any editing just because it will take more hours to do so (especially spelling and grammar check). When I do, I sometimes had to change the whole sentence.
Sprinkle salt over sliced cucumber
After 10minutes, water came out of sliced cucumber. Wash and then drain.
Today, after Lunar New Year 2023; I feel like writing a couple of recipes for my own benefits. 呵呵。。。For no specific reason I am not a huge fan of cucumber, although I do not mine to eat it. I have read many different sources of the cucumber’s nutrient and I think I do need to eat it, especially during Australian hot summer day (or rainy season in Indonesia). There are many ways to enjoy cucumber; salad is one of those. My personal favourite will be mixed with wakame (Japanese seaweed) for a refreshing salad. When I was making this cold salad, I ran out of wakame; therefore I just mixed it with soft tofu. There is one Chinese cold tofu salad I really like (I believe it is called liang ban dou fu – 凉拌豆腐 in Chinese – I linked a recipe from China Sichuan Food in case any of you would like to try) which is very easy and quick to whip. It is safe to say that I am inspired by cold silken tofu salad and cucumber salad.
We do not need to invest so much time to get a portion of delicious (healthy) and refreshing salad. With minimal effort and a couple of ingredients, we will swish and flick our magic wand… Walla! This is it, cucumber and tofu salad is ready!
Mix sliced cucumber with sauce right before serving.
Toss in silken/soft tofu and serve.
I enjoy it before lunch. I do not take high fiber foods in the morning or prior taking my calcium. It is said that high fiber foods may reduce calcium absorption (I am on high calcium diet for my recovery).
So, would you like to try it?
NOTE: Kyuri may be replaced with English cucumber for its similar texture; less seeds and thinner skin. I find Taiwanese silken tofu is really good for this cold type dish.
Yellow peeps, how are you? I wish you have started your 2023 with determination and a happy heart. Or something better. After all, many borders have re-opened their door for tourists. I suppose 2023 will be a great time to travel again, although in my case I will not be able to travel for the time being. I still have not fully recovered . Yesterday (17 January 2023) I visited my orthopedist and he told me that I have to continue my medical rehab as my X-ray shows that my bone has not fully ‘connected’ plus my ankle is stiff. You see, before I met my doctor, I was anxious thinking of another surgery in order to remove the plate but then knowing that I have a long way to go, I felt a bit sad. I will do my best to recover. I need to go back to Epping after all.
On my previous post I talked about my past of dating a narcissist. As I learn more on the subject, I took a test checking on how narcissist am I (I can not find the link to the test I took, I probably deleted it after clearing my browsing history). Psychologically, to some degree everyone has a narcissistic trait. It is a personality trait, instead of having a full-blown disorder, many people simply have narcissistic tendencies, so yes, I do have this trait too. According to the test I have a mild one. I do not know if it is good? Reading a few more journals on narcissism as a personality trait, narcissism can be overt , covert , antagonistic , communal and malignant. Some research suggests that it could be more accurate to view narcissism as on a spectrum from less to more severe narcissistic traits. Then, moving on narcissistic personality disorder; different sources divided them differently, one’s stated there are 3 types of NPD; another’s stated there are five types, seven and even nine types of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Typically, researchers work around 5 types of narcissism, they are: overt (grandiose) narcissism, covert narcissism, antagonistic narcissism, communal narcissism, and malignant narcissism.
Looking at my own experience, I am convinced that fell on the overt/grandiose types (although he was never formally diagnosed). Why? He ticked 12 out of 15 signs of grandiose narcissism; superficial charm, outbursts of anger, double standards, frequent bragging, flashiness, tendency to blame others, his needs always come first, lack of empathy, sense of entitlement, expectation of compliance, rigid in his beliefs, vindictiveness. He was charming on our early relationship. I think he was charming in order to gain control over me because this type of narcissistic disorder have a high need to be in control; then as times went by his outburst of anger was on another level every time we had disagreement. One day, he broke my mugs I bought from a concerts and a watch I gifted him by saving the little money I earned in order to get him a nice watch that I bought in Frankfurt. After his outburst, he said he was sorry but now I believed he was sorry for the watch instead.
Talking about double standards, he expected me to be devoted to him and him only; from my time, my energy, MONEY, and attention but he gave very little to nothing in return. He bragged about his achievements in every social gatherings, especially when he met his ‘friends’ who he considered below him; and then in our relationship he often looked down on me, as if I did nothing to support our living cost (while I worked my arse off to cover his bloody expenses!). He was flashy, he wanted the best of everything (in my cost). I had to sacrifice my own needs in order to have his fulfilled (I ended up in a huge debt, thank you).
He had a high tendency to blame others. He was always right. Every time I tried to correct him, I ended up in an argument or worse I received a physical violence. When I ran out of money, he blamed me for over indulge over a plate of sushi that I had once in a blue moon regardless the amount he spent for his own ‘needs’.
And of course his needs always come first. No matter how urgent it was, when he said he needed or wanted something; it meant I had to give up my own for him. Whatever it was, all he could see was how important his needs was. So, his point of view was always NO 1. Great, isn’t it?! He had ZERO empathy. He left me by the road early in the morning because of our disagreement on having burger. He did not care if I was exhausted after a long working hour nor did he care it was 3 in the morning. He did not care if I was bleeding after he punch me on (he did wipe my blood off after his rage went down but it meant nothing because he repeated it again). He did not care if I was upset about his behavior nor did he care he hurt my feelings.
He had a high sense of self entitlement. The word “NO” was very offensive to him, if I said no or set a boundary I might ended up with more wounds. When he needed to achieve something, he would resource to anything in order to achieve what he wanted even if it meant he took advantage of others. I never celebrated my own birthday, he never remembered mine either. One particular occasion, I was asked by one of my friends to give a surprise birthday cake for his girlfriend – who was one of my closest friend. I agreed to help him out, so then I bought a cake (as requested) and brought it home. My ex was at my place, I told him that I was going to help my friend to surprise his girlfriend. He got angry and name calling me just because I agreed to help another man. Well, that another man was someone I admired (I still do). He was smart and mature, he had the quality of a man as close as what I had seen in my older brother (my elder brother is my hero and someone I look up to, he took over the responsibility of a father when we lost our father – I was 17 then). So, he was like an older brother to me, although my admiration often led others to think that I actually had “special” feeling toward him – well, that was never the case! He said I was a wh**e, gratifying my body to be acknowledge by another man. WHAT??!!! There were a lot more ‘beautiful name calling’ he used but I managed to forget it (thank you!).
In order to disengage in pointless argument, I told him that he did not need to accompany me. It was my responsibility as I agreed to help my friend. Then, he said that I never bought him any cake to celebrate his birthday and now he found me preparing a birthday cake for someone else. I was baffled, I never bought him a cake but I splurged for him ALWAYS! When I remember about it, I am relieved that I did not mentioned about the fact he never remember my birthday. Otherwise, I would be beaten into pulp again. He ended up drove me to my friend’s place way earlier than I should which I thought I ruined his surprise to my friend (his girlfriend). I am so sorry, I did not do my job right, bro.
He expected me to be compliance with his demands, again, the word no or rejection would hurt him and if I dare to set a certain boundary he would livid. He always seen himself as being superior to others. His way of thinking was better than others, so, when I tried to share my point of view he would reject it and told me that I knew nothing. If I ever challenge his belief, I expected either name calling, devaluating me as a person, invalidating me, or worst he would resort to violence.
I did not understand why he felt it was right for him to take revenge when others made mistakes, specifically to him. He would punish others in many different ways, I was no exceptions. No matter what mistakes it was nor how small it was, mistakes were mistakes and he deserved revenge. However, if he made mistakes… I could never expect him to apologise (forget about revenge) unless he had ‘motives’ to regain his control.
I know when I say I wish I found it our sooner, it will not change my past. I understand it is just a wishful thinking. However, I do grateful that I finally escaped after I made my self fall into oblivion. Sooner is better than later; but later is better than never – does it make sense? LOL!!! Technology was not this advance, information on the internet was not as rich as today. Being a Gen Y or commonly known as Millennials, I have a lot of privileges that I need to ‘use’ wisely. It took years for me to finally admit that I experienced domestic violence in the past. I was ashamed, therefore avoiding this particular subject was a short way out. However, I am grateful that I am one of those survivors. I hope more people are more aware about it and understanding narcissistic personality disorder. Once we understand, we will be able to avoid ‘our own calamity’.
Also, after watching videos from H.G Tudor, I learnt that the action I took a decade ago was the best decision that saved my future. I left, I ignored him; by ignoring him I could avoid an adverse consequences from being belittled, physically and verbally assaulted or invalidated; no increase in my Emotional Thinking which might lower my guard down and no contact regime gave him no fuel for his behaviour. To be able in a full of NO CONTACT REGIME, it was not easy; If it was not my friends, siblings and my parent – It would not be possible. I know I can not change my past, but there are a lot more I can do for a better future. Also, I have to say that I was lucky that I did not follow one of my seniors (I looked up to her a lot) to meet my ex after a couple of years he returned to hoover me. I was suspicious that she had her role on how that ex found out my new number. I changed my number again some times after I dated a new man. This new man also encouraged me to meet that ex for a final closure, I refused but they (my senior and this new man) kept bugging me to agree for a meeting with that narc ex. Thinking about it, I had know idea what would happen if I agreed to. I did lied to them telling them that I met that ex for a closure and there was nothing more to talk about. Moreover, I had made myself clear the last time that narc ex came to my office that I did not want anything to do with him ever again. I did not get why I had to meet him again?! To sum up, I survived a physical, mental and verbal abused after I unknowingly fell into that rabbit hole.
Oh talking about H.G Tudor, he says that he is a narcissistic psychopath. In my opinion, he shares insightful information on narcissism from a narcissist point of view and how empaths react to narcissists. I see my high ET prevents me from being logical which makes me somewhat weak. This is not wrong, though. I had my life lesson and I have to take advantage of my knowledge and experience to be wiser (and smarter).
Yellow peeps, guess what… It’s 2023! Last time I checked, I wrote my last post in 2020. Gosh… I has been ages. I had a lot to share but to lazy to get my arse work on it. Even now, I have a mountain of ideas in my head and I have some difficulties to sort it out. After some struggling thoughts, I decided to write about my experience dating a narcissist back then. But first, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! The Chinese New Year is coming too, woohoo!! Can’t wait the red envelope from my other half. LOL!
There were a lot of things happened in the past two years; from quitting my job, working on our brand in order to help our coffee and cacao farmers at our local community (which I am still struggling to find more opportunities to get our coffee and cacao beans out to bigger audiences). As we started to get regular orders from local restaurants, in June 2022, I broke my left leg. An unfortunate accident that happened at home (my parents’ home). It was raining all day, when the rain stopped, I wanted to deliver a couple of bottles cold brew ordered by my cousins. I wanted to ride my scooter but… It was slippery, I slipped and my scooter fell on me. I could see my bone bent but I did not want to acknowledge it. Long story short, I had my surgery and I am recovering well. I still can not walk the way I used to, as I (try) to understand that it will be a long journey to recovery. Well, I am still grateful for other opportunities that came in 2022. I am trying to see the world through a glass half full perspective.
Then, it’s 2023. It will be my first post after a long hiatus. I had myself busy in 2022 through several different hobbies that I did not have a chance to do before my accident. I am happy that I accomplished several projects for the first three months of my recovery (I will share on another post). I re-learn Japanese and start basic Korean. I did not know that I could read most of Japanese characters (Hiragana & Katakana, with some help in Kanji) with ease. I used to find it extremely difficult; probably I was too lazy to learn back then. LOL! I gave up Korean on my first day a few years ago, now though, I find Hangeul – Korean alphabet – is never that difficult. It is amazing to see how our brain works. Also, I have always been interested in early childhood education and psychology in general. But, Narcissism picked my interest as I learn about body language. The first reason why I learn about body language is that human is interesting to learn and through body language we can learn a lot about the unspoken words. I am not intended to study and get my license, it is a personal interest to find a closure of my dark past, which is the story I am going to tell.
It is a story of my early twenties; I escaped this rabbit hole over a decade ago, however there are times when the shadow of my past comes to haunt me. I could not understand what I did wrong to receive such awful treatment from the person I thought I loved. Probably I was too innocent to think the world would be a sweet pure place to live in. I found university life was pure of manipulation which got me distanced my self from a couple of friends (they were my classmates, were closed once). Dang, real life education was a different hell for me. I often thought, how could I be that stupid?! So, whilst I am learning on body language and micro expression I came across a video from H.G Tudor on Narcissism. As I watched a video on Why Narcissists Stops You Socialising; right there, I realised that I was dating a narcissist for almost five years. I wasted five years of my life and I could never get those times back. The more I watched his videos, the more I come to a realisation of what was happened in those five years.
I met my ex when I was out and about at the beach after assisting my former boss with a surf event. She was the marketing advisor of one of surfing schools in our area. It was a casual introduction, I thought it would be good to know more staff considering I had to come once a week to that surfing school. I did not think much and before I knew I was tangled in a relationship. Thinking about it now, I don’t think I loved him; probably liked him just because I thought he had more experiences and he was a good public speaker; or I was meant to fall on a trap for my life lesson.
He was kind and supportive at first. I caught him lied to me but I was too weak to cut everything off as I thought I had invested my time in him and I did not want to start from zero again. What a fool I was! If I knew, I would made a run from there and then!!! He guilty tripped me whenever we fought or had a disagreement. Times flew, the first year was okay despite he lied to me; I stayed with him. The second year was where the issue started getting out of hand. He blew up very easily, he made me feeling guilty if I did something he did not like, things gotten physical and curse words became a habit. I received physical and verbal abuse; he would started to accuse me of cheating whenever I was on a business trip. Back then, international roaming and international call was extremely expensive. During one of my business trip to Berlin, I had to spend hundreds of Euros to make international call just because he accused me of cheating on him. As I was devastated, I thought ‘this is it, I would coming back home and be single’; the minute I thought that would be the end of us, he texted me. He said he was sorry and asked me to forgive him, he promised he would never do that again. I fell for him. Despite the fact that I did not love him, he made me dependent of him and I think he knew that. Promised was just another empty promised because the cycled repeated.
The third year was worse. I moved to another company, I received a better salary so then I also moved to a new house (rented house, I live quite far from my older brother’s and my parent’s). I did not realise I had paid for everything, he basically lived off of me. He quit his job long ago, so I had to support him with his daily needs and rent. By this time, I had lost contact to most of my close friends. One of my high-school friends had to visit the hotel I worked for to see me because she could not reach me. I was either working or unavailable to see her. I still did not say anything to anybody. But, I believed my older brother sensed something off about me; as stubborn as I was, my brother had no other options but to stay silent while watched me from afar. One evening, I forgot what was the trigger we caught in heated argument which resulted in me getting punched. I remembered warm blood was dripping from the corner of my right eye and nose. I got a heavy slap too on my right cheek, leaving bruise all over my face. I thought I was going to die but no… After his outburst, he kneeled down asking for forgiveness and another promised was made that he would never repeat it again. Did he keep his promise? OF COURSE NOT. Back then, I had to make hundreds of excuses to avoid company gatherings, company events or meetings my close friends.
Since I found that my salary did not enough to support two people, I finally moved to another company. I worked at a fine dining restaurant. Being an assistant manager tripled my income. I started to split my income and made a secret account without him knowing. I had to transfer 15% of my salary to my secret account as I could not follow his lifestyle. He kept saying that I wasted money despite the fact that he spent my money without conscience. He still did not work but he ordered me around with ‘his great ideas’. One time I snapped and told him if he was so great and mighty he might did that alone. I received a slap on my face completed with all those shaming words I never heard before. The word slut and whore were very ‘normal’, I heard daily from him. In order to lift my burden, I helped him to open a shuttle service. I contacted several small hotels who I thought would be interested to take our service. It was cheaper than adding more vehicles on their own cost. As many new business, it started slow but the demand was there. I encouraged him to contact more small hotels in our area, but I was baffled with his reply, “You ask me to contact the hotels on my own? So what will you do? Aren’t you the one who supposed to contact them?!”. I was caught off guard, I could not say anything. I was working day in and day out, he only need to contact the hotels. He did not even need to type anything since I provided all letters and contracts, now I still needed to contact them too?! That was my breaking point. All these times I refused to acknowledge his character treats but I kept the blame on me because I was in capable of being a good and supportive gilrfriend.
I began to plan my escape, I could not live this way. I screwed my life, my career and I lost my close friends just because I wanted to make him happy. All the painful memories I had for the past four years playing in my mind. There was one time when I was stayed past mid-night for new year’s eve 2012 event, he came to pick me up. He was drunk, I could smell the heavy scent of alcohol. Cheap alcohol that he had with his friends. I was no saint, I drank a couple of shot of Black Label at our after party, but I never drink to get drunk. I was always a social drinker at work. So, he picked me up from the restaurant and he wanted to go to get some burger, Mc Donald’s. I told him on our way that we would get burger but we would take away because I was sleepy and tired. I worked a long hour, our department had a four hours break during the day and we had to go back to work until the party was over which was around 2 in the morning. I had to take turn with our Director of Sales & Marketing and Assistant Marketing Manager to take a break, there were a lot of details we needed to take care including rehearsal of performers and MCs. I was hoping he would understand and agreed to get a take away, but beyond my imagination, he accused me of being ashamed to be with him that was why I refused to dine-in. I tried to explain again, but he refused to believe. It was the alcohol and his ego, now I know. He ended up left me by the road without any money. He pushed me out the car, I did not manage to grab my bag. At 3AM, I was left by the road without a penny to go home. I was lucky enough there was a taxi driver who agreed for me to pay him later in the day. I cried so much I did not know I fell asleep at home.
It took months of planning for my escape. Close to the end of my contract with the restaurant, I did not sign the new contract and I left the company, which actually I loved with all my heart. It was a hard decision, I could not work for the company that I loved but I could not stay either because I did not do a good job. I said I screwed my life and my career, didn’t I? I had to leave. I brought important documents to my brother’s, at that point, I did not care about the rest of the stuff I had. As long as I had all of my important documents, I could start again from zero. On the day, I told him that I would stay with my mother for a couple of weeks considering I never had enough time at the village. He allowed me to go and reminded me to come back soon. I asked my brother to take me back to the village. Once I arrived, I looked at my reflection… I could not recognise the person I saw in the mirror. I used to have a healthy body, I workout regularly before I met my ex. I checked on my old photos and I cried… I could not believe what I saw. Stressed ate me up. I was devalued. I was insulted. I was looked down. This realisation made me called for help. I told my brother explicitly and asked him for protection. My parents and my older brother accepted me with open arms which made me worse than I had felt. I wished they got angry but no, they did not.
I lost everything I left at my rented home. My ex brought everything to his place when he could not reach me. He hoped I would return to find my stuff hence he had a chance to appease me. He hacked my email, my social media that I cherished because I left foot prints from my trips like an online gallery and I lost access to my old blog. My blog was the hardest to let go, since I built that blog from nothing. I spent hours writing different stuff that interest me; from cultural events to my experiences overseas.
I was hospitalised for seven days for malnutrition. Once I discharged, I lived with my brother’s family. I experienced a severe panic attack whenever I was alone. I felt my ex could come anytime. I knew it was impossible for him to find me at my brother’s but I hard to ignore that feeling. I stayed home for more than three months. I only began to socialise again after my two bestfriends reached out to me. They said that my ex was looking for me, that he was sorry and wanted to start anew. Since he had no responses, he started to gaslight me. He said endless awful things about me, it made my bestfriends question me but they finally able to see the problems. After five months, I agreed for a meetup with my bestfriends. They faced hardships to deal with my anxiety and panic attack, hence they chose to avoid several places with high possibilities for my ex to find me. I started to work at a new company, throwing away my career as my priority was finding my inner peace and progressing to become wiser. I did not know though how he able to find me after almost a year. He came to my office, brought me a gift while begging me to return. When I refused (politely), he started to play his petty game, wanted to make me waver and eventually changed my mind. I stood strong, I reminded myself that I was not into his game ever again. He could say whatever he wanted, he could accused me for being the evil witch. All I ever wanted was my freedom, I gave him endless chances to make things right but he repeated the same game again and again once he achieved what he needed. I had enough. He came to my office a few more times before he stopped. I should thank my boss to send me on a business trip for a month which made the rumor of my resignation more convincing. My colleague told me he came to our office many times, then he stopped after two weeks of trying. Upon my return, I still had my anxiety, hence my bestfriend gave me a ride. She made her time to pick me up and drop me off every day.
Took me years to finally realise what was happened, took me years to recover and to forgive myself. I let my ex devalued me, isolated me from my friends and family so he could control me, financially squeezed me that left me broke despite my effort to split my income. All was nothing when he found it out. All and all, I once had a bright career that gave me huge opportunities to learn but it was destroyed for nothing. After years, I came to term that it meant to happen, it was part of Karma from my past life. I was a fool but I forgave myself. It was a devastating period of my life.
I never thought I could get up and start again. I am thankful for my Almighty God and the people who were there to pick up my broken pieces and helped to rebuild it again. I am grateful for my parents and siblings who accepted me with open arms. These past months I’ve learnt that I was dating a narcissist.
Yellow peeps, how’s life? Happy Christmas by the way. Hope you had a wonderful Christmas holiday amid the pandemic. Some of you must be questioning what is BJYX. Well to tell you, then I have to start from the bottom up. If you are a fan of The Untamed 《陈情令》a Chinese drama adapted from Mo Xiang Tong Xiu’s 《墨香铜臭》hits novel Mo Dao Zu Shi 《魔道祖师》then you would be familiar with three other adaptation, from Audio drama, comic 《漫画》and animation《动画》. This novel (along with her other novels) is categorised into BL (Boys’ Love) or commonly known as Yaoi in Japanese terms and the fan is referred as FUJOSHI. Aaah!! 😝
魏婴，蓝湛 魔道祖师 Wei Ying and Lan Zhan — Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation
I was not a fan of this category since a lot of time I found Yaoi stories were too focused on “SEX” scene which is a big no no for me just because I prefer a softer story line that includes every aspect of their life; until I found this anime — Grand Master of Demonic Cultivation《魔道祖师动画》, basically the same title with the novel. I asked a friend if she knew anything about this animation, since it was my first time getting into Chinese animation that close enough to match the Japanese anime (she’s a wonderful artist, her works are amazing and she knows a lot about manhua/manga and anime). WOW! That was my first impression to its art, this 《魔道祖师动画》is really something. As I thought, she knew and she read the novel. Aha,.. PERFECT! I kind of disappointed when I learnt it’s BL; I was not a fan of it after all. But she convinced me to read the novel which then I found amazing, there are hints of romantic and “sensuality” in the last couple of chapter (if you are interested in the sex scene, skip the whole novel then read the extra part 😂). Let me put the translated work link here in case you are interested in reading it. For the manhua/manga, I read in Chinese from its official manhua app Kuai Kan Man Hua 《快看漫画》, but there are many unofficial translated works out there. Long story short, after the novel, she convinced me to watch the drama adaptation. Firstly, I never watch any live action drama/films that adapted from anime; however, I gave it an exception just because she told me the drama is at another level. Hmm… I thought if she said so, then let me give it a shot. And BAM!!! I fell in love to those two main characters. Duh!!! 🙄
陈情令 The Untamed
Then, what is BJYX? This is a fandom of the main actors of The Untamed, Xiao Zhan 《肖战》and Wang Yi Bo 《王一博》. BJYX stands for Bo Jun Yi Xiao 《博君一肖》, originally written 《博君一笑》that literally translated into “to make someone smile”. However, the fandom is written 《博君一肖》by replacing 笑 into 肖, same pinyin (romanisation) but different character. Did you notice the character in Yi Bo’s name and BJYX? Yes, it’s the same character which is referring to Yi Bo and the Xiao character is referring to Xiao Zhan and we call ourselves turtles 🐢. Hahaha… Later you will find BJYXSZD — Bo Jun Yi Xiao Shi Zhen De 《博君一肖是真的》that literally translated BJYX is real. (Psst… I am smiling ear to ear writing this post). I used to refuse the thought that they are “privately involved” beyond a good friend. However, there are hundreds of videos showing their affectionate stares and body language which makes me in disbelief. I questioned my eyes for what I have seen; my heart told me that my eyes are not fooling me though. But look, I need to clarify something to avoid misleading: 1. I am proudly their fan; 2. I never confirm that they are real, at least not until they make their statement; 3. I am not pro nor against LGBTQ — they are human being who have the same rights; 4. Can’t I just ship them? If they eventually board the ship and sail, then let them be; 5. As their fan, I will support them and their works; 6. I just want them to have and maintain their good relationship (in any forms); 7. I am not going to write the AO3 scandals that led the boycott to Xiao Zhan, for me that’s still ridiculous!
I told my self whatever they did on the screen is business only and part of fan service, however their eyes can not lie. Their eyes tell everything we want to see and to hear. Hahaha… Oops 😅! Go watch The Untamed BTS videos and many other fan made videos and tell me what you saw. Many “coincidences” if you do not want to call it arranged and shared by these two. They have gained worldwide popularity after The Untamed 《陈情令》. I followed their Weibo too just because I can! This novel and its adaptation is a huge success from audio drama to manga to anime to live action and then this live action drama eventually held their fan meeting with concert in China and Thailand (not sure if there was in other countries too?). These two are exceptionally amazing in their skills; Xiao Zhan’s melodious voice and Yi Bo’s infectious dances. Aah, and before I forgot; I need to say, “You guys solo fans and black/anti fans stop spreading hates. Let us turtles 🐢 dream a sweet dream whilst running towards our own goals but you, please get a live.”
I did leave my expectation behind as I want to watch the first episode without any expectation. At least if it does not suit my preference, then I would not feel disappointed. So, I watched the first episode and then I ended up downloaded the whole episode (50 episodes in total). I started to crave more on the actors who portrayed Wei Ying 《魏婴》and Lan Zhan《蓝湛》— the main protagonist. Xiao Zhan《肖战》 and Wang Yi Bo《王一博》are the two actors who portrayed Wei Ying 《魏婴》 and Lan Zhan《蓝湛》. When I read the novel, I could not imagine anybody but Vic Zhou to play Lan Zhan; well he perfectly portrayed that icy cold Hua Ze Lei in Meteor Garden. Then I learnt this little Yi Bo could handle this icy cold character effortlessly amazed me. Months after the drama finished airing, unconsciously I am obsessed to these two. That Xiao Zhan《肖战》 and Wang Yi Bo《王一博》took offer my head and stay there rented free, unknowingly I became this BJYX fan. LOL…
Now I have board this ship along with other turtles but the ship has not sailed yet. I expect to see more candies in the future. Again, I like to see them together; I love their chemistry; I love them being sweet to each other; I love them for who they are. All I want is they maintain their good relationship (in any forms), if it is behind the screen then keep giving us more candies; so then we know that you two are alright.
Yellow peeps,… I am feeling down. No matter how determined I was to pursue my dreams, I am at the lowest of my life and it’s started to annoy me; started to drive me insane. The thought of being a total failure and being the ugly duckling in the family dragged me down even more. I want to quit but I cannot quit just now. The thoughts to suicide are coming in and out but I am too cowardice to take an action just because I was begging for my life to Gods. I wished I could live a little longer, a litter better. There dreams I want to pursue, there are people I want to see and there is a special someone I want to spend my life with. If I think about it, I cannot waste the breath I am bestowed. I want to live my life. Death maybe an answer to run away from the heartache but I am scared. At least by living, I know what to expect. I know nothing about being dead; but I have learnt to live.
I am tired. I am breaking down. I am vulnerable. I am trying. I am hanging on. But, one day if I suddenly disappear it means I have chosen my path. Maybe it won’t be brighter. One day, if I choose another path then it means I gave up; I am defeated; I am a loser. Please forgive me for all the things I have done; please remember me as a bright happy person and let it stay that way in your memory. “I am sorry and Thank you”. “对不起 和谢谢你们.”
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