Yellow peeps…
How have you been? For the past week I have been feeling blue, overwhelmed, disappointed, alone, all the negative thoughts that came after a heated argument with my mother. I always feel like s**it every time. Being away from my favourite human makes it worst as talking over phone/video call don’t really fill in; I do still grateful for the current technology that allow me to communicate with them much more easier compare to a decade ago. If it was a decade ago, I might go nuts. On one side I am glad they don’t need to deal with my mother’s ego but on the other side I also want them to get to know each others more; especially the boys, it would be great having them learning about my place of birth and the culture I grow up in. Knowing how exhausting it will be, I rather keep it the way it is now. I am tired of her drama, it’s haunted me for years that I, like it or not, may have inherited her character which I don’t want to pass on to my kids. I can be difficult at times and I realised few years ago, I get it from my mother. As I get older, I wish I could just have a drop of my late father’s patience. He was so strong, standing all the way until his last breath. Again, I need to clarify, the feeling I have towards my mother is complicated. She’s a strong independent woman but at the same time for her indepence, she tends to look down on others and often mentions every sacrifce she has done for others, including my brother, sister and me. When she’s angry, she’d mention every penny she’d spent on us, on our education. She often compares us to others; like how others treat their parents after their parents paid for everything, in turn, their lives are being taken care for by their children. I asked her a couple of times if she wanted us to treat her that way, she said she never wanted that; then after she said that, she hinted that she expected us to do that but she would never ask us to. The thing is, my brother and sister have done that, better than anyone she compared us to, however, whatever we do and have done, it will never satisfy her.
The older I get, more and more heated argument between my mother and me because I no longer the sweet child who followed her and did whatever she wanted me to do. Well, I wasn’t her sweet obedient child since I was in uni. Living alone and working part time as a uni student opened my eyes on how controlling my mother my whole life. Once I defy her, she’d say hurtful words that always triggers me to say same hurtful words. I have tried to understand her more, but I can’t follow her way all the way like how I obeyed her when I was young. It’s extremely exhausting, mentally and physically. I am done.
With this mental exhaustion it brought me thinking on how I was diagnosed with Autoimmune a decade ago. I come to believe certain illnesses, if not all, are rooted in our head (mind), it’s related to our mental health. Trauma and stressful environment can weaken our immune system. Although there are also conditions that the autoimmune already present way before, however, stress can induces/awaken the autoimmune disease. Mine, in this case, was allegedly believed to be SLE (Systemic Lupus Erythematosus) that manifest as a cronic anaemia. When my autoimmune flares up, my red blood cells count can go below 5 (a normal adult female should have between 12.1 – 15.1 g/dL). One time, my count reached 1.5 g/dL, when I arrived ER and how doctor explained how severe it was, I thought I probably dead now. Fortunately, I received an immediate blood transfussion without any alergy but I had to spent a week being hospitalised to receive my treatment. I am not bluffing or anything, that’s not my intentions; but, I did not know how severe the situation was until; hence, I kept working, riding on my scooter anywhere and I even went to ER riding my own scooter because my brother and sister were at work that day.
Years and years of therapy did not improve my overall health. I have to receive blood transfussion every now and then, fortunately, the past couple of years I manage to stay healthier and I only hospitalised twice for blood transfusion due to the surgery I should received for my broken bone (it’s been 3 years after surgery and I still have my implant in my left leg which should have been removed 2 years ago). I have my reason why I haven’t removed my implant and I fully understand, I have to go under the knives again immediately, I just… I am scared!!
So this health issue has brought me to dig deeper on medical journals on Autoimmune Disorder. I’ve learnt that there is no cure yet and the global therapy agreed by doctors is therapy with corticosteroid medicines (if you’re familiar with anti inflammatory drugs, that’s corticosteroid). There are different brands on the market, anything like methylprednisolone, predisone, and cortisone are corticosteroids. Commonly used to treat asthma, rheumatoid arthritis and allergies.
The more I read, the more I get lost in depression and self-blame. How I wish I would never experienced it and keep racking my brain what did I do wrong?? Well, I don’t know what I did wrong. I’ve been physically active, I joined my high-school basketball club, I trained martial-arts (actually, it’s more like a performance rather than an actual martial arts) – Wushu in my uni days, I exercise regularly. I didn’t like meat, I was a vegetarian for about 5 years due to severe skin allergy in high-school to early uni days, what else? Oh I pulled all nighters in my high-school and uni days for school assignments and exams. I rarely fell ill after I reached middle-school. Hence, I have no idea. It was like a nightmare that came true upon waking up.
I did neglect my own health on my previous (doomed) relationships as I had to sacrifice myself for whatever reasons to avoid conflicts just because I wanted peaceful and safe relationship. Anyway, that’s another story to tell. The last last breakup was way more painful but it became the turning point for me. As I traced back my late teen – early adulthood by coming back to a country I deem a second home, I found a new reason to live my life. I picked up habits I left for my doomed-relationship and since that day, I do it religiously. I eat better, I cook most of the time. More fermented foods and protein on my diet. Body weight exercise to build muscles mass aside to my yoga routines. One thing tho, an old bad habit dies hard, I often stay up late despite the knowledge that I need to rest between 11pm – 4am in order to improve my overall health, especially liver and bone-marrow’s health.
Talking about fermented food, I came to think of gut health as one of the keys for a healthy body. I started with tempeh (Indonesians’ favourite staple), yoghurts, natto, sauerkreut, kimchi and kombucha. I’ve been familiar with tempeh, yoghurts, and natto; later kimchi as it gets easier to find it. One of my former colleague and best friend introduced me to Kombucha about 6-7 years ago. It was foreign and weird at the same time the first time I tried it. I can’t say that it was love at first sight, but a love-hate relationship for its weird flavours. Only 3 years ago I began to appreciate Kombucha and since then I begin to buy my own bottles from our local organic shop. But I hate to spend $3-$4 for a small bottle or $6-$7 for 1 litre every time. I stopped consuming it for a while and only having my yoghurt as it’s much cheaper and I don’t need to commute that far only for a bottle of kombucha. Meeting a lady at a Farmer’s Market near my office allowed me to learn that I actually can brew my own kombucha at home. All I need is patience and sparkling clean tools, like jars and swing-top bottles or mason jars. She’s so kind she taught me how to and then free information on the internet makes it much easier to brew my own kombucha. My Wedding Director/the owner of the Wedding Organiser I worked at was someone who’s crazy about everything organic, healthy, and detox. She has Hashimoto’s autoimmune disease that she has to deal with for sometimes. She follows a certain American herbalist who promote consuming lemon juice and celery juice (pardon me, I can’t recall his name – he’s well-known tho). She encouraged me to take accupuncture and consuming celery juice along with kombucha.
I have always a trange believe in Chinese Traditional Medicine (CTM) since I grew up consuming different Chinese herbals/tonics but I had my own worry in trying accupuncture. I didn’t trust any therapist to stick in needles into my body without guarantee that the needles are sterile and new until I met this lady. She’s a certified therapist with Ayurveda and CTM background. In every session I took, she uses newly opened needles. She’d discard used needles, one set of needles for one customer which made me feel much more better and safe. I stopped taking her treatment due to distance as I moved back with my family. Hence the Kombucha journey. I have been brewing my own Kombucha and the longer I do it, the more fun I’ve found it. I am getting bolder in trying new flavours although my all-time favourites are Orange-Mint and Ginger-Lemongrass mix. Today, I used store-bought cranberry juice mixed with ginger to flavour my brew. I can’t wait to taste it. My second fermentation would be ready in 3-4 days, or faster, depends on the weather. This post onwards will be a my personal notes on my gut health consuming Kombucha which will allow me to share my personal experience on my journey curing my autoimmune disease. I have no guarantee it will work, however, I think it’s worth trying. Of course I will monitor my mental health which I believe a healthy mental-state will strengthen our overall health. I’ll be sharing my recipes (although there are bunches available online nowadays), the disk I cook with ingredients I pick from my garden, the gardening journal I’d like to record more as I need to keep track on seasons, planting schedules, my failures and success and more.
Oh, I am also working on my novel whenever I find time and the mood to follow my storyline. In the beginning of 2025 I said that I don’t have any goal, but now I think about it… Being healthy and accomplish little things would be a win for me. Let’s make it my goal.
See you soon… xx
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